Patchwork Girl in Black and White

Pushy, pushy

2010-09-27T12:53:00.003-04:00

Raise your hand if you've ever gotten a phone call from a tzedakah.

[waiting...ok, all the hands are up, as I suspected]

Okay, now raise your hand if you didn't have money to give at the time (or at the very least, had other places to give to which could use the money just as much, if not more).

[waiting...yeah, that's what I thought]

Is it just me, or do the people making these phone calls not know how to take "no" for an answer?! Honestly, they're worse than the Children's International stalkers on the streets of New York. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, you can say to one of these callers to make them understand that you are, in fact, not committing to "just a small $18 pledge today" (or a "small" $36 pledge, $100 pledge, etc).

Recently, I received a follow-up call from an organization which called me a couple of months ago. I told them at the time that I did not feel comfortable making a pledge for what I thought was a reasonable and valid reason, but the caller said, "Well, can we just send you an envelope?" So I told her she could, but that I wasn't making any sort of official pledge. "Well, I'll just put you down for $18."

[click]

Now they call back wanting to know where that $18 is! The reason I gave still holds, and I tried to explain it yet again to the recent caller, who still would not take "no" for an answer.

I know that tzedakahs are all strapped for cash right now. I know that many people who used to underwrite entire programs and make very generous donations are no longer able to do so, and that they are trying to make up for in volume what they lost in large lump sums. (Hey, it totally worked for Obama.) However, at the same time, I think it behooves them to realize that the people they are calling are often in no better financial shape than their no-longer-big donors, and pressuring and falsely putting down people for pledges is not going to make them any friends.

Back from the abyss

2010-09-21T22:04:00.002-04:00

Hi there, readers, if any of you are still around. I know it's been an awfully long time since I've written. I apologize for that. Life has a way of getting in the way of little things like blogging sometimes, you know? I can't even promise that now I'm really back, because I have a new job(!!!) which basically consumes most of my energy and waking thoughts, not to mention the hours I actually put in at work. (Seriously, if they paid me for the work I do when I'm not clocked in, I'd be making waaaaay more than I am.)

Still, I figured that an update is in order, seeing as it's been several months. Here's some of the stuff that's been going on in my life and going through my mind in the recent or distant past, in no particular order:

Job searching seriously, seriously sucks. B"H I have one now, but it was total hashgacha pratis that I got it - it pretty much fell into my lap. No, I will not be giving details. If you know me in real life, feel free to ask me via media other than the comments section.
They weren't lying when they said that, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." It's not that I got into any actual trouble per se when I was unoccupied all summer...but, well, my brain prefers that I stay busy.
That being said, as I mentioned above, this new job is consuming most of my available energy and probably some that isn't actually available, too. This has its drawbacks, but aside from being exhausted, frustrated, and losing my voice, I feel GREAT!
In reference to the Yamim Noraim which just passed: Is it possible to actually ask forgiveness from someone when you don't even know what it is you're asking for? I'm not talking about the stupid little things, which may be minor annoyances when they occur but are easily forgiven and forgotten. I'm talking about relationships where one person has no idea that they're doing something to hurt/bother/otherwise harm in physical or nonphysical ways, but they ask forgiveness for "anything that I may have done" blah blah blah. Granted, maybe then you'd say that the onus lies on the person who is being hurt to let the other person know (preferably before it's erev Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur and it's "mechilla season"). But if the person has good reason to believe that the hurtful/harmful behavior would not change, and bringing it up would only cause further harm to the relationship, what then? Just some food for thought; feel free to sound off in the comments. I'm interested in what people have to say.
Back to work: I'm jealous of the people who can roll out of bed and be at work. There are lots of them in my workplace, and it's getting tiring to hear, "Oh wow, you come in all the way from Neighborhood X? That must be such a long trip! How long does it take you?....Wow, really, that long each way? I don't know how you do it." Yeah, I don't know how I do it, either...oh wait, yes I do. It's called, I got a job and I'll do what it takes to show up to work on time every day.
Kids today are way more chutzpadik than they were when I was growing up. Yes, I have confirmed this with friends who are teachers, and I'm not making it up. Unfortunately for me, I have a very, very low tolerance for chutzpa.
You know you're officially engrossed in your work when you dream about it multiple nights in a row. Yes, it's been about a week and a half into starting and I'm already there.
I realized something about myself earlier this summer: I'm far more willing to go out of my way and go beyond what would be acceptable and called for to help a friend than I am to help myself. That's something I have to work on. Not that I should stop helping friends, but that I should consider my own life as important as theirs and do more to help myself.

Anyway, I think that's about all for now. Hopefully I'll be back sooner next time than I was this time around, but no promises; I don't wish to disappoint. I hope everyone has a chag sameach!

Snow day!

2010-02-10T07:15:00.002-05:00

I got a phone call from my boss last night.

"Don't come in to work tomorrow; all facilities are closed and it will be too dangerous to travel. We'll talk tomorrow night or Thursday."

Great! My first snow day since my sophomore year of college! I'm so pumped, especially cuz most of my friends have the day off as well. I watched the news on my roommate's TV and paid special attention to the weather report, just to make sure. Yup, we're supposed to get a ton of snow.

As the evening continued, I kept looking out the window for signs of this impending blizzard. Nada. I fell asleep having seen nary a flake. I woke up in the middle of the night to find a dusting of snow on the fire escape outside my window. Big deal.

This morning, I woke up, looked out my window again and laughed. There was less than an inch of snow on the fire escape. I left my room to hear my roommate singing, "I have a snow day, I have a snow day! Yippee!"

Glad for her, but in slight disbelief, I commented, "Really - your work cancelled, too? Too hazardous to travel or something?"

She replied with glee, "Yup! It's really coming down out there."

I looked out the window and laughed again. "Sweetie, where I'm from, that's not called 'coming down'. That's called, 'put on your snowboots and go to school.'"

Still, I'm not arguing with a free day off. Maybe there will eventually be enough snow that we can have a decent snowball fight. ;-)

A week of Walks

2010-01-30T22:25:00.002-05:00

This past week has been a week of epic Walks.

I started out with the most epic, a Tip-to-Tip Trip with three friends. For those of you not in the know, the Tip-to-Tip Trip refers to walking the island of Manhattan from one end to the other. It's a loooong walk, and was made longer by stops for bathroom breaks (yay Starbucks!), lunch breaks, catch-up breaks, etc. Still, it was a lot of fun, although on Monday my feet hated me. A lot. We started out by taking the M100 bus up as far as it would take us in Manhattan (and walked the extra block to 220th St.), then walked down Broadway as far as Washington Heights, stopped for a bathroom/refueling break, and continued down Riverside Drive. Eventually we moved back to the streets somewhere in the mid-90's, though personally I would have been happy to keep walking along the river, both because of the lack of traffic lights and because it's prettier than the streets of Manhattan. Upon a friend's suggestion, I mapped out our route at mapmyrun.com to see how far we actually walked, and it came out to about 14.2 miles - not bad for a not-so-lazy Sunday!

Tuesday night I walked the George Washington Bridge with G6. The weather was gorgeous - just cold enough to be comfortable walking in heavy coats, but not too windy or frigid. The city is so pretty at night from out on the bridge, all twinkling lights stretched out as far as the eye can see. We made good time, taking a little more than an hour to walk to New Jersey and back. I forgot to wear sneakers, but fortunately for me, my feet decided to forgive me for my error.

Today was the third trek of the week. This time I was hoofing it to Riverdale for Shabbos lunch, something I'd always thought about doing but never really got around to. Of course, I could have picked a slightly warmer day to pursue such an endeavor...but I didn't want to back down or have my hosts worry about me (well, mostly just the not wanting to back down), so I bundled up in my hat, down coat, scarf, boots and gloves and started walking. My face was numb by the time I got to 190th St. Did I turn around? Naaaaah. I just kept going and going, and again made good time, arriving in about an hour and a quarter. The truth is, it was a gorgeous day for a walk, if rather cold.

Anyway, here's to a week of Walks, and hoping that more are coming up!

Shidduch Musical: The Big Dollhouse, Brooklyn Marriot version

2009-10-14T13:48:00.005-04:00

For all who want to check out the original version, it can be found here. (Men, be forewarned, there is kol ishah involved.) The lyrics can be found here.

[Setting the scene: Nine couples are sitting in the lobby of the Brooklyn Marriot when a tenth walks in. One of the guys stands up, says, "Hey, there are ten of us! We can chapp a maariv!" and all the men exit. Girls look around at each other, stand up, and start to sing:]

GIRLS:

I gotta get out

How’d I get in this hotel, this lobby, this big bad date?!

LEADER: [spoken]

Alright, ladies, welcome to the Brooklyn Marriot, otherwise known as the Big Dollhouse! For those of you who are new to this place, let me tell you how we ended up here: our mothers! It’s like they never dated when they were young.

GIRL #1:

Stuck here cuz of those nosy women

GIRL #2:

Drinking diet Cokes until we’re swimmin’

GIRL #3:

This was totally not worth dry cleaning my blouse!

LEADER:

Don’t it feel like you’re trapped

ALL:

In a big dollhouse?

GIRL #4:

Lady Justice, where have you gone?

GIRL #2, on cell phone:
Oh, Mommy, check – I think I left the iron on!

GIRL #1:

Did you see my date laughing at me? I’ll murder that louse!

LEADER:

Welcome to life

ALL:

In the big dollhouse!

Big house!

GIRL #1:

It feels like we’re locked up in a pen

GIRL #3:

No phone! [Girl #2 waves hers, taunting; Girl #3 gives her a dirty look]

GIRL #4:

No food!

GIRL #5:

Just MEN! [all roll eyes]

GIRL #2:

My date’s as quiet as a mouse!

LEADER:

Honey, just drop the drama

ALL:

In the big dollhouse!

[Loud unintelligible conversation ensues]

GIRL #6:

You know, my stomach’s been feeling sour

GIRL #7:

And I haven’t eaten in over six hours!

LEADER:

Girls, you gotta suffer to find your spouse.

ALL:

So there’s nothing to eat in the big dollhouse.

GIRL #1, to LEADER:

Hey, don’t we have a right to complain?

GIRL #8, interrupting, to GIRL #1:

Haven’t I seen you around 70^th and Main?

GIRL #1:

[Shrieks and runs away]

It figures a Queens girl’s here,

She lives around the corner from my house!

ALL:

Small world!

GIRL #4:

No fair!

GIRL #7:

No food!

GIRL #9:

No FUN!

ALL

Big house!

GIRL #5:

And our search has just begun!

Cuz we gotta keep dating till we find a spouse –

So we’ll keep meeting up at this

ALL:

Big dollhouse!

[More loud conversation]

LEADER [looking at watch]:

Girls, I’m getting sick of all this waiting,

We’ve lost our men – can you call this dating?!

GIRL #2:

Hey, who are you to grumble or grouse?

ALL:

Yeah, we’re all in it together in the big dollhouse!

LEADER:

Okay, cool it, ladies, no need to shout.

What do we gotta do to bail ourselves out?

GIRL #8:

I don’t want to date a loser!

GIRL #9:

A hocker!

GIRL #2:

A mouse!

GIRL #1:

For now, it’s just us girls in the big dollhouse.

ALL:

Big house!

GIRL #3:

G-d, I think I’m gonna die!

ALL:

Big house!

GIRL #2:

I’m busting out!

GIRL #5:

Girl, so am I!

[Both dance towards the lobby door but stop just short.]

ALL:

HaKadosh Baruch Hu, hear my plea –

‘Cause the big dollhouse,

The big dollhouse,

Ain’t big enough for me!

For me!

LEADER:

For me!

[Men re-enter the room, stand gaping and looking very confused. Girls stop short and scramble to the nearest seat, each inevitably ending up with a different guy than the one she started with, and start to make conversation as if nothing has happened.]

Reflections on a year in the life

2009-09-14T13:52:00.003-04:00

This past year was a year of big changes for me - but as the saying goes, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

B"H some things changed for the better. Some things...well, I'm sure it will be for the better in the big picture, but for the time being, it's pretty darned hard to see how. But I know that I do not see the bigger picture, only the tiny little corner of it that is my life and my world.

It has been a year of lessons, some good and some more difficult.

I've learned that I value being valued.

I've learned that the right friends can get me through my darkest moments, but only if I let myself trust them enough to let them know I need them. I've learned that a friend moving away doesn't mean a friend leaving my life, nor have I left hers. I've learned that I am stronger than I sometimes think I am.

I've learned that "meshaneh makom, meshaneh mazal" doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be the one moving - sometimes someone else being meshaneh their makom is meshaneh my mazal. This has worked strongly in my favor in recent times. ;-)

I've learned that often it is better to come right out and get things in the open, because when I am open and honest I can work on situations and change them instead of just worrying about them. Often I worry too much about how such honesty will be received. I worry too much in general. That is something I am working on trying to unlearn.

I've learned that sometimes I need to be "bullied" into doing things that are good for me, but I'm grateful afterward to the people who do so. It takes a special kind of friend to be able to twist my arm for my own good.

I've learned that many, many people value me in their lives, and they value me for who I am, with all my positive and negative aspects. I need to learn to trust that I am valued and to value myself in the same way. I treasure my friends; I am worthy of being treasured in the same way.

I've learned that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Not that I thought I was done, but in some respects, for awhile I had thought I could relax a bit. Not so. I need to learn how to define myself as me and not by external factors, because external factors are always subject to change. Just because situations have changed or people have changed doesn't mean that I have to change as well. I am still me...if I can figure out who "me" is.

I've learned that, as usual, I still have a lot to learn.

May we all be inscribed for a good and sweet year, in which the lessons we learn in life are not painful.

Life update, post-birthday edition

2009-08-07T02:51:00.002-04:00

You know you've been a lazy slacker of a blogger when your last year's birthday post is still on the front page - and it's not even at at the bottom of the front page. I really was determined to post more this time last year. It just...didn't happen. I'm not sure if it was lack of inspiration, lack of motivation, lack of words to express what I wanted to say, or some combination of those and other factors that resulted in the lack of posts.

So, what have I been up to? It's so hard to put a whole year into a short synopsis for easy consumption, but I suppose I shall try.

~I welcomed the cutest nephew EVER into the world. He's the love of my life; too bad he's in another country and can't be my boyfriend because he's 25 years younger than me (and my nephew). He's freaking gorgeous. And no, I'm not just saying that because he's my nephew.
~I started a new job, which didn't pay as much as my old one but which gave me far more satisfaction. (Gee whiz, it's fun to be appreciated! Who'da thunk?) I also decided to continue to do this job for the coming year, despite whatever shortcomings there are in the compensation package. Hey, it's a job, and I enjoy it. That's worth a lot in my book.
~I found out that as much as I hated working 9-5, the structure it provides can be helpful. It's not that I don't enjoy my own company, but too much unstructured time is just not a good thing. (Okay, so a couple of the shortcomings in the job aren't only compensation-related.)
~I learned that my feelings about small children have changed. Once upon a time, I had a fairly low tolerance level for misbehaving children between the ages of, oh, two to twelve or so. But especially the younger ones, for some reason. Now I gladly substitute teach for preschoolers, and it's not only because the pay is quite decent. Finding out that I could spend four hours with 3-year-olds and actually enjoy it came as quite a surprise.
~There have been many, many ups and downs in the past year. B"H there have been many simchas, and b"H I have much in my life to be thankful for. Unfortunately, it's not always so easy to see that or to say it. However, this year, I finally decided (after some kicks in the tush from helpful friends) to actually try to do something about it.
~In this same vein, I also discovered that occasionally it is all right to be blackmailed for one's own good. No, that is not an invitation.
~I have been through many roommates and many uncomfortable situations involving roommates. I have successfully replaced two roommates, the second of which happened through complete hashgacha pratis. B"H I am looking forward to my new roommates, and I think I shall be far happier with my living situation than I have been in a long time.
~I have learned, firsthand, exactly how annoying it is to have a car in my neighborhood. I have a newly developed hate for alternate side parking in NYC. Thank G-d having the car is temporary.
~I have been to Delaware and back in under 24 hours. Did you know that singing silly songs at ungodly hours of the night is a great way to stay awake while driving at said ungodly hours?
~I joined Facebook. Yep, I finally caved. It was just time.
~I have strengthened and solidified many friendships and let others go. Others have continued much as they were before. I have tried to strengthen some existing friendships so as to have a support network in place when other friendships must, for whatever reasons, change. I hope it works. I am glad I have good friends who care very much about me, wherever in the world they are. Such friends are gifts straight from HKB"H.
~I celebrated the 26th anniversary of my birth with one such friend and had a fabulous time. We went to Broadway in Bryant Park, among other fun things, and it was a party. And I got a very thoughtful birthday call from another such friend who was unable to participate in the festivities because she is now very far away. Both the company and the call were very much appreciated, as were all the other various birthday well-wishes by phone, e-card, text, and FB.

All right, that's basically my year al regel achat. Hopefully I'll be back to update this thing sometime before next year's birthday rolls around. Till then, happy trails to you all, until we meet again.

Snow + Birkat HaChama = ???

2009-04-08T09:14:00.003-04:00

You got that right, folks. Erev Pesach, and it's snowing in Nowheresville. Actually, at the moment it's not, but it was flurrying earlier.

This morning, as my mother and I were driving to shul for minyan*, it was dark and overcast. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about how it would be a real shame if I didn't get to say Birkat HaChama with Shem v'Malchut because I went home for Pesach to a place where it's cold and grey. Sure, we could still say the tefillot and everything, but it wouldn't be the same. I'd feel like I was missing out.

Still, I tried to push that to the back of my mind and just concentrate on davening. It's not like I can control the weather - if it's cold and grey, it's cold and grey, and there's nothing I can do about that.

Then, just as the chazzan was finishing the repetition of the Shmoneh Esreh, my rabbi announced, "The sun is out! We're going outside to do Birkat HaChama NOW!" My ears perked up. Could he be serious? The sun came out, just in time? We all bundled into our coats and went outside to the shul parking lot. There were snow flurries falling, but lo and behold, the sun was really out and shining! We quickly said the bracha and the tefillot and went back inside to finish davening and be present for the rabbi's siyum.

By the time we came out again, the sun was already hidden behind the clouds and the sky has been overcast ever since. I think it's really special that the sun shone for a few minutes this morning, just for us. :)

I would like to wish all of my readers and friends a chag kasher v'sameach, and in this time of redemption for our people, may we all experience our own geulot from our own personal Mitzrayims.

L'shana habaa b'Yerushalayim!

The mark of an out-of-towner?

2008-12-18T14:41:00.003-05:00

(With all due respect to my in-town friends. I just had to share this story; I couldn't make it up if I tried.)

I was recently in Brooklyn running errands and I stopped to get something to eat. The place I went is sort of like a cross between Circa and Cafe K - it does both takeout and sit-down, but if you're sitting down and not getting pizza, you get to eat off real dishes, and also the food is freshly made (unlike at Circa, where it sits out all day and they microwave it for you to make it hot). However, the prices are generally lower, which is good for my budget right now.

No, no, that's not the story. Here's the story.

I was waiting by the counter because I had asked for a cup of water, when a girl stopped and looked at me. I didn't know her, so I gave her a look back that said, "Do I know you?" without being rude about it.

In response to my quizzical look, she said, "I'm just trying to figure out where you're from."

Me: [another quizzical look]

Random Girl: Well, I think you must be from out of town.

Me: What makes you say that?

Random Girl: Well, it's just...you're so nice and polite and everything.

Me: Well, you guessed right, I am from out of town.

Random Girl: Are you from Chicago?

Me: No.

Random Girl: Detroit?

Me: No.

Random Girl: You're not from California, are you?

Me: No, not from California. [thinking, Thank G-d she doesn't think I'm a Valley Girl...]

Random Girl: St. Louis?

Me: No, where I'm from isn't that far away.

Random Girl: Philadelphia?

Me: No. You're never going to guess where I'm actually from, so I'll just tell you. I'm from [Yehuppetzville].

Random Girl: Oh! Well, that's original...

Me: Yup. Anyway, have a good night!

Random Girl: Good night! [she leaves]

I remained to eat my meal, totally mystified about how that whole conversation came about. After all, I had not been acting in any such way that I felt was out of the ordinary. I was even wearing a sweater, black skirt, and had my hair pulled back in a black headband. Who knows...

The advantages of going to a small shul

2008-12-07T21:02:00.002-05:00

The shul that I attend is not big, or flashy, or popular. It is not "The Scene", or even a scene. It's smaller than it probably should be, considering the ever-expanding frum demographic in my neighborhood. I often get labeled (or jokingly label myself) anti-social for going there while most of the people I know attend The Big Shul.

However, I have my reasons for going there. First of all, I like that it's not a scene. I can go there and daven and concentrate on my tefillot rather than on who's walking in or what the girls in front of me are wearing. There are a few people my age, but there are also older people and middle aged people and younger people and some kids running around. If I don't come to shul for a few weeks in a row (which happens fairly often, as I go away a lot), when I come back people will come up to me at kiddush and welcome me back and ask me how I've been. If I didn't go to The Big Shul for a year, no one would notice.

Another thing I really like about belonging to a small shul (yes, I pay membership dues!) is that each individual really has an opportunity to have an impact. For instance, this Shabbos, I was sort of on my way out after kiddush when I overheard a snatch of conversation - something about someone looking for sources of kosher cheeses and chocolate from various countries. Of course, they weren't asking for my personal input, but it happened to be that I knew of a source of chocolate from one of the countries they were seeking to get product from, so I piped up, "Oh, I know of a company that makes kosher chocolate in [insert country]! It's the Thus-and-Such Company, and it's under [the local, generally reliable Va'ad HaKashrus]."

All of a sudden, I find myself a part of an impromptu brainstorming session about a future event to be held at the shul in order to get the word out in the neighborhood about the shul, and possibly raise a little money as well. I introduce myself to the main character who seems to be involved in the planning - interestingly enough, someone else who is new to the shul - and she asks if I happen to be on the shul's Events Committee.

"Not yet," I answered.

"You are now!" she replied, and we shook hands on it. She said she'd get my number from the shul secretary and call me the next time they have an official meeting of the Events Committee. And just like that, I'm a full-fledged member of said committee and am fully involved in all of the planning of this event and other future events to be held at the shul. Wonderful!

I ended up staying at shul at least twenty minutes longer than I had originally intended to, but I left feeling excited and exhilarated. Where else could that happen, that by chance I could put in my two cents and end up on the Events Committee? I'd get swallowed up in a larger shul. Maybe others like the commotion, the "scene". I like my small, homey shul, where I can make a difference. :)

Gold

2008-11-27T02:51:00.002-05:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

~Robert Frost

This is something I have long been afraid of - that gold, which is so elusive to begin with, and so hard-won, will elude me even when it seems to finally be in my hands. Even when I am happy and fulfilled, there is that slight, nagging worry that is looking to the future when that happiness will be lost or taken away. Some things are just too good to be true.

It's a stupid and self-defeating way to go through life, I know. I try not to. And yet, time and time again, my caution has often proven correct. Sometimes, perhaps, one could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I am aware of the danger of that road. I try to self-correct to guard against that.

Once again, gold is in my hands. Once again, I have reason to believe that it might soon be lost. But I have no way of knowing for sure without making it even more likely that I'm right. So instead I nervously await my fate, hoping that I'm wrong but fearing that I'm right. It's like when I sit at home after a really good date, expecting the phone call from the shadchan telling me the guy isn't interested, except that more is at stake than my pride now.

There is very, very little I can do. Mostly what I can do is carry on as usual, as if I am not expecting anything to change. Act normal, and maybe things will continue to be normal.

I hope.

Many happy returns

2008-08-06T07:21:00.002-04:00

[tap, tap, tap]

Hello? Is this thing on?

[cough]

Hmm. It's gotten rather dusty around here, hasn't it?

Well, I've promised many people that I haven't retired from blogging, and now I'm finally (at long last) following up on that promise. And what better time than now?

In Judaism, birthdays are more meaningful than being a cause for celebration and an excuse to hit up your family and friends for lots of presents. They are a time for personal reflection, for looking back over the past year and looking to the future, for what is to come in the following year. And though I have generally been accustomed to celebrating my secular birthday, it often falls out during a time of the year that is conducive to reflection - during the Three Weeks/Nine Days, a.k.a. בין המצרים.

What have I accomplished in the past year? Have I become a better person? I hope so, though I think in many ways I could still be better. I have more to work on in myself, in my relationships with others, in my relationship with Hashem - there's enough work to last a lifetime and more. That is not to discount what I have accomplished, just acknowledging that I still have what to do. I cannot sit back and say, "I've done enough."

Am I proud of how I've utilized the precious year that was just allotted to me? In some ways, absolutely. In other ways...well, not so much. Yes, I've spent some time well, and in many ways, better than I used to. But there's still so much time that was wasted, or not spent in ways that I will be proud of after 120 years. There is still a lot of room for improvement in this area, that's for certain. I'm working on it.

A year has passed; I cannot undo it or retrieve it, no matter what. But now I will look to the future, to the years that are to come. I hope I will use them well.

Happy birthday to me.

Zzzzzz.....

2008-03-03T11:24:00.004-05:00

A big thank you to Pobody's Nerfect for tagging me with this Sleepy Meme! Now I have something to post. :)

1. How much sleep do you get on an average night?
Anywhere between 4 and 7. It largely depends on when I fall asleep, how early I have to wake up, and how many times I hit snooze. ;) Also, it would be less if I had a computer.
2. Is that enough sleep for you?
Yes and no. I manage to be relatively functional on that much sleep (even the 4 hours), but my standard response to "How are you?" is, "Tired."
3. At what time do you normally go to sleep and wake up?
Sleep usually happens sometime between 1-3; however, I occasionally pass out earlier from exhaustion or stay up later because I'm busy or not tired. I usually set my alarm for 6:45 AM, but I usually hit Snooze several times before actually getting up.
4. Do you usually fall asleep right away or have trouble?
I usually have trouble falling asleep, which is why I stay up so late. As long as I'm going to be awake, I may as well be doing something with my time, right? It's better than lying awake in bed for hours.
5. What size bed do you have?
Twin. At home I used to have a king-sized, though (still do, I just don't live there).
6. How many pillows do you use?
Depends. If it's a good pillow, I might only need one, but if it's a wimpy/too soft pillow, two or more.
7. In what position do you sleep?
Either on my stomach with my head turned to one side, or on my left side. Very occasionally on my back.
8. Do you need it to be quiet or dark to sleep?
Not generally. I've fallen asleep with the lights on more times than I can count, and I think I'd be okay about falling asleep with noise, but I'm usually one of the last in a group to fall asleep, so I haven't had much occasion to test that theory. However, when I'm sick I like it to be quiet and dark.
9. Do you use earplugs or an eye mask?
What for? :-P
10. Have you ever used a sleeping aid long-term?
No. My mother used to give me Benadryl to make me sleep when I was a kid, though.
11. Do you use headgear, a night retainer, or a biteplate?
Nope. I had a retainer for about a year after my braces came off, but my orthodontist said I could stop wearing it, so I did. I think that was a bad idea.
12. What do you normally wear to bed?
Tee shirt (either long or short sleeved), pants, and usually a flimsy skirt over the pants.
13. Do you frequently fall asleep in your clothing?
More often than I'd like to admit. I think it's because I don't change into pajamas until I'm ready to go to sleep, but often I don't know when that is going to be until I pass out from exhaustion.
14. Do you prefer a heavy or light blanket?
No real preference. It depends on the ambient temperature, I guess.
15. Do you prefer warm or cool PJs?
Depends on the season. I like warm pajamas when it's cold and cool pajamas when it's warm.
16. Do you wear socks to bed?
Not usually, but if it's especially cold I'll sometimes wear them so my feet don't freeze.
17. What is your bedtime routine?
Don't really have one. I tend to take care of going-to-bed things in random order as I think of them throughout the evening.
18. Do you listen to music when you’re falling asleep?
Generally not.
19. Have you sucked your thumb in recent years?
Nope. I never was a thumbsucker.
20. Do you still sleep with your childhood blankie/teddy?
No. In recent years, I replaced my bear with various neck pillows (my bear is squashed flat from its nearly two decades of use as an extra pillow).
21. Do you snore?
Not as far as I know, unless I have a cold or something.
22. Do you sleeptalk or sleepwalk?
Again, not as far as I know, although if any of the people I've spent Shabbos with would like to clue me in...
23. Do you wake up to use the bathroom often?
Not usually. Generally, once asleep I am asleep.
24. What things inhabit your bed aside from a blanket and pillow?
Hehe. Depends on if I've had guests recently. ;) If yes, nothing besides my pajamas when I'm not sleeping. If no, EVERYTHING. Books, clothes, mail, you name it.
25. What kind of alarm clock do you use?
I usually use my cell phone alarm clock, but really I should get another one cuz it doesn't do such a good job of waking me up. I am NOT a morning person. However, the one thing that can almost always wake me up is my phone ringing (if it's not on silent or vibrate).
26. Do you ever wake up before your alarm?
Almost never. When I do, it's usually because there's some urgent reason I need to be up in the morning (no, work doesn't qualify, unfortunately for me) and I'm paranoid about oversleeping.
27. Do you frequently take naps?
Hardly ever; if I nap, I will probably be awake until an even more obscene hour of the night/morning than usual.
28. Have you ever slept ‘under the stars’?
I have been camping a few times, and I enjoy it when I go but I don't usually go out of my way to plan camping trips. However, I have always slept in a tent, so does that still count?
29. Can you fall asleep on a bus, train, or airplane?
Usually yes, although I don't usually sleep well. I wake up tired and cranky.
30. Have you ever fallen asleep and missed your stop?
Erm....I think it's my turn to plead the 5th. Too many times to count...
And last, but not least,
31. Over the course of a lifetime, the average person swallows six spiders in his/her sleep. How many do you think you're up to?
Ewww! Who the heck came up with this question?! :-P Given my age and average life expectancy, I'd say I'm up to two or three by now.

I tag Irina, Eli7, Bas~Melech, Halfshared, and Erachet. Have fun!

Still here

2008-02-22T12:41:00.002-05:00

I haven't stopped blogging; I just haven't had much to say, and I've been pretty busy. I'd post something I wrote awhile ago just to have something up, but most of it is pretty pensive stuff and I'm not in the mood to post something gloomy right now.

I'm going to try to come up with something good soon, bli neder. If nothing else, you'll get another Broadway parody.

Have a good Shabbos, or any other given day of the week you come to check this. :)

Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now

2008-01-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

(The frum--or should I say, yeshivish?--girls' version, with apologies to Marc Shaiman.)

MOTHER #1
Don't contradict me!

MOTHER #2
Don't disobey me!

SHADCHAN
Don't even think about walking out of the house looking like that.

SURI, BAILA & CHAIKY
Please!

MOMMIES + SHADCHAN
No!

3 GIRLS
Mommy!!!!

MOMMIES + SHADCHAN
Stop!

SURI
Stop telling me what to do

MOMMIES + SHADCHAN
Don't!

BAILA
Don't treat me like a child of two

MOMMIES + SHADCHAN
No!

CHAIKY
I know that you want what's best

MOMMIES + SHADCHAN
Please!

CHAIKY
But mother, please,

GIRLS
Give it a rest!!!

ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Mama, I'm a big girl now!

CHAIKY
I feel like you still treat me like I’m just a kid
You never let me do just what the married girls did
But lose that laundry list of what you won't allow

GIRLS
'Cause Mama, I'm a big girl now!

SURI
Once upon a time I used to play with toys
But now I go on dates with yeshiva boys
So, if I leave the house without permission, please don't have a cow

GIRLS
'Cause Mama, I'm a big girl now

BAILA
Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt
I got my best primping lessons from you
But once in awhile, I just gotta get out--
And if my hair’s not blown,
I’m still a good Jew!
Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh

CHAIKY
Once I used to fidget
'Cause I just sat home

SURI
But now I’m going stir-crazy
And you gotta let me roam!

BAILA
So say, tzeiseich l’shalom!

CHAIKY
Toodle-loo!

SURI
And ciao!

GIRLS
'Cause Mama, I'm a big girl now

ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

GIRLS
Mama, I’m a big girl now
(hey mama, say mama)

CHAIKY
Once upon a time I could wear just anything
Could dress up or down and nobody would say a thing
Won't you burn your list of clothing I must disavow?

GIRLS
'Cause Mama, I'm a big girl now

SURI
Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh
Once upon a time you used to threaten me
If I ate too much then no one would marry me
But I have an extra ice cream, don’t call me a cow

GIRLS
'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

GIRLS
Ma, you always taught me
What was right from wrong
Did I ever give you reason to cry?
Mama, I've been in the nest for far too long
So please give a push and Mama watch me fly

SURI
Watch me fly

GIRLS Hey, mama, say mama

BAILA
Someday I will meet a boy
You won't condemn

SURI
Iy”H we’ll have some kids
And you can coddle them

CHAIKY
But let me breathe a little
Before I take that vow

GIRLS
'Cause Mama, I’m a big girl now

BAILA
Oh - Oh - Oh

GIRLS
Mama, I'm a big girl now

SURI
Hey - Hey - Hey

GIRLS
Mama, I'm a big girl

SURI
Ooh, such a big, big girl!

GIRLS
I'm a big girl now

ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

GIRLS
Mama, I'm a big girl now!!!

Original Lyrics found here.
Original Song here, it's Song #3 on the Jukebox.

Pride goeth before a fall...

2008-01-04T12:26:00.000-05:00

...or does it?

All too often, I find myself in unpleasant situations that are entirely preventable. My difficulty is entirely my own doing. And often, all it would take to get out of the situation is to ask for help...which I stubbornly refuse to do. I would rather deal with the unpleasant repercussions of my own poor (or entire lack of) planning, judgment, etc., rather than ask someone to bail me out at the 11th hour.

As you can imagine, this stubborn tendency often lands me in positions I'd rather not be in, like when I spend Shabbos alone in my apartment rather than wrack my brains for people who might be bothered to take me in on Thursday night, and then suffer the embarrassment of calling and begging. Do I like to spend Shabbos alone in my apartment? No, it's lonely and depressing. But somewhere in my crazy logic, it still beats out "imposing" on someone at the last minute. I'd rather clean up my own messes than ask. Because of course, even if someone graciously did agree to adopt me for Shabbos, it would still be an imposition--maybe they said yes because they felt badly, but they really wouldn't have wanted me over; maybe it will strain their budget or they'll have to shop for more food. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'd rather deal with the certainty of my own lack of responsibility than the host of "maybes" that asking would bring.

Another example: transportation. I absolutely hate having to ask people for rides. I hate being dependent on other people to get places. So wherever and whenever possible, I will take buses and subways and whatever other forms of public transportation necessary to get where I need to go. [One exception: Monsey on a Sunday. It's such a royal pain in the neck to get there that I will ask anyone I know who's driving for a ride without shame.] This sometimes leads me to take subways at hours when normal people who are concerned for my welfare and safety would rather I spend $40 on a cab [*snort* - cuz I can afford that?] than take the train. Ask for a ride--are you kidding me? Why should someone else have to drive me all the way home (and it's a trip!) just because I was stupid enough to stay out so late? I made my bed and now I have to lie in it; it's as simple as that.

Recently, when asked to sum me up in a word, someone termed me "independent". Although I acknowledged the truth of this analysis of my personality at the time, since then I have noticed it more and more. And while independence can be a good trait, as you can see, it also has this nasty flip side. My need to be independent holds me back and trips me up, leads me to do things that are not in my best interest [e.g., taking the subway at ungodly hours and spending Shabbos alone], all because I just can't ask someone for a favor. I can't impose.

Now, you might say to me, "But Scraps, you would go out of your way to help someone who needed a favor. You've taken in people on last-minute notice, things like that. So what's the big deal about asking someone else to do the same thing for you?"

You know what the difference is?

I don't think I'm worth it.

525,600 - 2007 in Review

2008-01-02T16:17:00.000-05:00

"Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes;
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes--how
Do you measure, measure a year?"

--"Seasons of Love", Rent

It's been a busy year, during which there have been far too many blogging breaks and apologies and half-sincere resolutions to post more often. I don't intentionally neglect my blog; it's just that sometimes I can't come up with ideas of what to post about and other times what I wish I could blog about is just unblogable. [Should that have one "g" or two? Hmmm.] Still, it being January 2nd, I figured it's a good way to start the year.

This year I got a new computer at work, wondered why people don't take the mitzvah of "kedoshim ti'hiyu" more seriously, had a crazy chavayah for the Pesach seder, managed to break through my writer's block at Patches of Poetry on an intermittent basis, and made it to the finals at the JIB's. I pondered moving on, prompting a slight scare that I was retiring from blogging, but by which I really meant I was reconsidering what sort of things I post about. I discussed my inability to take a compliment, took a painful walk down memory lane, and took a walk down Manhattan that was many miles long. I turned myself inside-out for all to see, blogged about the importance of having a rav, rebbetzin, or mentor in your life, experienced some crazy mood swings, and reflected on my year since the past Rosh Hashana. I had a whirlwind of a time over the chagim, spending no two yamim tovim in the same place and having a great time wherever I went. I considered how I view my family, particularly my parents, and how my attitude towards my family has changed over the years. I wrote about sunshine and shadows and how we perceive our place and others', and got off track--and back on again--at the end of the year.

But more than any of the various things that have gone on this year, I really feel like this year was a year of friends. Over the course of this year, I have met so many incredible people, all of whom have enriched my life immeasurably.

"It's time now, to sing out,
cuz the story never ends.
Let's celebrate, remember a year
in the life of friends!"

--"Seasons of Love", Rent

I owe this year to all of you.

697

2007-12-18T22:21:00.000-05:00

Have you ever experienced the frustration of seeing something you've worked so hard for crumble before your very eyes with one small, fatal misstep?

What did you do about it? Did you get back on track? Can you get back on track? Is there a point of no return--for better or for worse? Did you despair of ever reaching your goal?

Or did you say to yourself, "All right. I messed up, but that doesn't mean that all that work was for nothing. Tomorrow is a new day; next week is a new week; next month is a new month. Just because I took a step back...or two...or however many...doesn't mean that all is lost. Vaiter, onward and upward!"

How do you decide how to react? Is it a conscious decision, or do you react on autopilot? Or does your conscious reaction temper your automatic one?

As usual, I seem to have more questions than answers...

7 Facts Meme

2007-11-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

A week ago I was tagged by Come Running for this meme, and so now I'm doing it as a procrastination tactic before putting up other new posts. However, I have a couple of other posts in the works, and I hope to be putting them up shortly.

Rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post the rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself; some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and list their names and link to them.
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.

1. I don't generally use, or even like, nicknames for myself. This stems from an intense dislike of the most common nickname for my given name. There are only about five people I can think of right now who are allowed to call me by a nickname, and they are the only ones. (If one of you is reading this--and you know who you are--rest assured, you're one of the five.)

2. I can do a mean Southern accent when I'm reading something written in dialect. I once made the collective jaws of my English class drop reading aloud in class, which was very amusing.

3. I always had a wide age range amongst my friends. In fact, for many years, it was very unusual for me to have a friend my age; all my friends were either younger or older than I (usually older).

4. I used to think I was born in a cursed year. Occasionally, I still do.

5. I can still do a cartwheel.

6. I enjoy shopping the most when I go alone or with very entertaining people. Otherwise, it wears me out and I rarely buy anything. Also, I rarely buy something unless it's on sale or so cheap that it doesn't need to be.

7. I know the hand signals for "Do Re Mi" etc.; we were taught them in my middle school chorus class and had to do the hand signals as we practiced scales.

I tag Apple, SJ, Erachet, Halfshared, Bad4Shidduchim, Bas~Melech, and Corner Point. No offense meant to anyone I didn't include. And those I did tag, I'd love to see what you have to say, but consider yourselves under no obligation.

Sunshine and Shadows

2007-11-13T17:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever met one of those people who seems to live eternally in sunshine? They lead enchanted lives, these lucky ones, in which nothing goes wrong, they never disappoint or are disappointed, sadness is nearly a foreign entity, and they are free to dance through life with a smile always on their carefree faces. And the spotlight is theirs for the taking, though sometimes they seem as if they hardly know it's there. Granted, even the the sunniest climate (or personality) will have a rainy day every now and then, but such occurrences are few and far between, and they are over almost before they are even started.

Then there are the people who seem to live always in the shadows. They are often unnoticed, unseen, overlooked by life and everyone in it. For them, life has held more pain than pleasure, more failure than success, more disappointment than hope. Even when the sun comes out it does not penetrate the gloom, and the rain clouds come rushing back with an unhealthy alacrity.

However, most of us are not so simply pigeonholed. We move back and forth between the sunshine and rainclouds, the spotlight and backstage. Some people enjoy external sunshine but live with internal shadows they are petrified to reveal, for fear of judgment, ridicule, or abandonment. We paint smiles on our faces and go out dancing in the sun while hoping our masks will hold the shadows in. Some people work hard and still harder, trying to gain their piece of the magic, their moment in the sun, only to find themselves eternally passed over or overlooked, relegated time and time again to the shadows. It is not through lack of effort that they do not get their time in the sun. Still others could be stars if they chose to, but they opt out of the limelight, preferring to work behind the scenes, embracing the anonymity of the shadows wholeheartedly. Their internal sun more than outshines the artificiality of the spotlight.

I've spent a lot of time in the shadows--sometimes by choice, oftentimes not. Sometimes the shadows were kinder; the sunshine burned. Some sunshine that most take for granted was never a part of my life, and I barely notice its absence, except when the rain is falling particularly hard. But sometimes now I appreciate the sunshine that comes my way that much more, because I know the shadows so well.

And I am learning to make my own sunshine from within...

Family Matters

2007-11-04T23:04:00.000-05:00

I just read an incredible post by Corner Point on the subject of family--mainly, how each person's family is best for them, tailor-made by Hashem Himself and chosen by the neshama before entering the world. She wrote of her initial disbelief upon hearing this idea, and how it slowly sank in over the years.

I can relate. If you'd told me in high school that my family was the "perfect" one for me, I probably would have laughed in your face. The level of bitterness in the laugh probably would have varied depending on how much criticism I'd received in the near past or how recently I'd been unfavorably compared to my younger sister, but it would have been there. "How can you say that?" I would have exclaimed. "Why, I think they'd hardly notice if I dropped off the face of the earth, except they'd have no one to blame anymore." In most families the younger siblings are always being compared to the older ones and trying to live up to them; in my family, I often felt like my parents should have had my sister first, gotten a dog and lived happily ever after without me. She was the darling, the golden child; I often felt like I could never do anything right or good enough. Additionally, for various reasons, I didn't have exactly what you'd call a normal childhood, and I was forced to grow up far earlier than most of my peers in a lot of ways. "You're telling me that I asked for this in shamayim?!" I'd say. "You must be kidding."

And yet...and yet. Slowly, over the course of many years, and with a farther distance between myself and my family, I began to gain a little perspective. Earliest came peace with my sister, whom I love dearly. I realized that it wasn't her fault we were always compared, nor was it her fault she almost always came out ahead in these comparisons. She never asked to be the golden child, and she was aware of the unfairness of the situation and often took my side and defended me. Then, as I grew older, I became more and more aware of many of my friends' family situations. I began to realize that no family is perfect; indeed, I am surprised many of my friends emerged from theirs with their sanity intact. (For that matter, not all of them did, but most were fortunate.) I learned that I had friends whose parents made mine look positively angelic and doting by comparison. This helped me view my parents, imperfect as they were, in a far more positive light.

As I have grown older and more mature in my perspectives, I have realized that, though my childhood was far from carefree and my parents far from perfect human beings, my experiences shaped who I am as a human being and I could not have been the same Scraps had I led a different life. I've learned many valuable lessons from my family; other things, I'll probably spend my lifetime unlearning. Sure my parents made mistakes...well, they're human, they make mistakes. I'm human too, and G-d knows I make mistakes! So why should I expect any better of them? Their mistakes shaped me as much as their successes, for good and for ill. I recognize now how many of my strengths and good middot I owe to my upbringing, and I would not trade those for any other set of parents in the world.

Just popping in to say hi

2007-10-10T16:16:00.000-04:00

Hellooooooo everyone. Or anyone who's still reading after I sadly abandoned my little bloggy for the past month. I've been pretty busy this past month, what with the chagim, a family simcha in the making (to anyone who doesn't know what that's about--no, I'm not engaged, nor am I dating, thank you for not asking), lots of traveling and fun times and not so fun times and everything in between. I guess I'll just summarize the past few weeks so you'll know what fun you missed in my life. :)

R"H was a blast (thanks again to SerandEz!), the davening was amazing and the company was highly entertaining. I'm not even sure I'm allowed to have that much fun on R"H. And of course, motza"sh playing Boggle until 4 AM was highly entertaining as well, even though I didn't stand a chance of winning with SJ playing.

Y"K was intense but good. The place I davened at only had a 15-minute break the whole day (well, there was also a 10-minute break for those of us who are b"H still able to leave for Yizkor), and davening started very early (7? 7:15? I don't remember anymore) but it was good. I like places where there's no (or at least minimal) talking in shul.

The first days of Sukkot were spent in Lakewood Ir HaKoidesh, visiting various families I've gotten to know there over the course of several years. It was especially nice that every family I went to was disappointed that I would only be there for a short while and asked when I'd be coming again (and hoping it would be soon!). It's nice to feel welcome and wanted. :)

During Chol Hamoed, I went to a friend's l'chaim, went to work (blah), and spent time doing other various fun things like getting ready for the upcoming simcha and eating in the sukkah of a fancy restaurant.

And Shmini Atzeret/Simchat Torah was spent at home in "Montana" with my family, who up until then had been sorely neglected this holiday season (if you couldn't tell from my itinerary). We had many guests, hakafot were fantastic (the women dance in my shul, which is much more fun than watching the men IMO), new friends were made, and in general a good time was had by all.

Now it's back to the grind, working and such. I'd say that now I can relax, but with various things going on, as well as the aforementioned simcha looming, I'm not going to be able to breathe until November. C'est la vie. I'll try not to go for a whole month without posting again, but no promises.

That time of year again...

2007-09-10T14:03:00.000-04:00

It's a couple days before Rosh Hashana, and I'm looking back at my year. What have I accomplished? What opportunities have I grasped, while others I let slip through my fingers? What kind of person am I now, as compared to what kind of person I was at this time last year? Am I happier, less happy...and how do you measure those things, anyway? How has my avodat Hashem improved? Has it, in fact, improved at all? How do my actions bein adam l'chavero compare to last year's? Am I proud of the person I've become over the course of the past year?

Am I prepared to stand before the King of Kings, begging for my life? Do I have anything to show for myself?

Best wishes to all for a ketivah v'chatimah tovah--may we all be inscribed and sealed in the Book of Life.

Turning on a dime

2007-08-24T09:21:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This post was written not long ago, but the situation has (unfortunately) come up a few times recently, so I finally decided to go ahead and post it. It is NOT describing any one incident or situation, but a composite of past experiences with present.

Things are going pretty well. Life is hectic and busy, but mostly with good things. Family simchas, friends' simchas, spending time with good friends, going to shiurim, all sorts of good things. There are some frustrations, some stresses--who doesn't have them?--but eventually they're resolved and life goes on. All in all, life is good.

Right?

In a matter of minutes, my mood turns from happy and content to miserable and doubting. I start to wonder, did I do the right thing? Was that my place? Should I have said something differently, done something differently? Should I apologize, will they think I'm pathetic or crazy if I do? Am I pathetic or crazy if I do? Surely this is all in my head, but how should I know? Maybe I'm not imagining things, who knows?

Yes, my friends, life is fun when your emotions turn on a dime. The illusion of functionality I've worked so hard on flies right out the window, and I find my eyes filling with remorseful tears over an imagined infraction. It's no one's fault but mine--nothing anyone else did or didn't do caused this mood, and no one can really change it but me. And I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm not making any sense at all, but at the same time, the knowledge doesn't change the sinking feeling in my stomach, the ache in my heart.

And the worst part is, I KNOW that I'm not making sense, but that doesn't help. And all I can do is daven that Hashem straighten out my thoughts, and that I'll feel better in the morning.

Most of the time, I'm not like this...not anymore, anyway. I think that's why these moods take me by surprise. I'm not prepared for them. Not that it's any more fun to deal with them when you are prepared, but it's far more disconcerting when they come out of absolutely nowhere. I get used to being happy most of the time, and when I'm not happy, there being just cause. And no matter how much I try to build myself up in that time, when I'm feeling pretty good and my underlying insecurities aren't acting up too much, somehow I'm always thrown for a loop when this happens.

At least, thank G-d, I did feel better in the morning. But what about next time...?

P.S. I also posted a new poem, which I wrote a few days ago but only worked up the nerve to post now. It's not my best, but I felt like putting it out there anyway.

Aseh l'cha rav

2007-08-05T01:38:00.000-04:00

In Pirkei Avot 1:6 it says, "Aseh l'cha rav, u'kneh l'cha chaver, v'hevei dan et kol ha-adam l'chaf zechut." Now I don't know about all my readers out there, but most of the time I hear this mishna quoted, it's because the speaker is trying to get to the end, about being dan l'chaf zechut. Usually there are one or two sentences devoted to the first two things on the list and the rest of the drasha/d'var Torah goes on to tell us how we need to devote our efforts to judging others favorably. All well and good--judging others favorably is definitely an important middah and mindset to cultivate. But I'm finding that in this crazy, mixed-up world, so many people are trying to muddle through on their own, without any real guidance other than the occasional chat with friends. Whatever happened to "Aseh l'cha rav"?

Do you have a rav, rebbetzin, or someone else you go to for hadracha? To ask shailas, or to ask advice on life and all the craziness it entails? Just to chat with, to make sure your life is headed in the direction you want it to be going? If you do, how did you find him or her, and if not, why do you think you don't have one?

For halachic questions, I usually still go to the rabbi of the shul I grew up in; in matters of practical observance, I know that he's fairly close to where I'm holding, and I'm comfortable approaching him. However, for hadracha and to just generally speak my mind and get good advice, I talk to a woman I know in Lakewood--I'll call her Shula Schwartz. And Shula Schwartz, for all intents and purposes, is my rebbetzin.

Now, how did this happen, you ask? How did I, Scraps, a RW-MO (though I hate labels, that's the closest to fitting) single girl living on my own, end up with a mentor who's a rebbetzin living in Lakewood with a kollel husband and three kids? And how in the world does Shula have any way to relate to me and my life when she lives in such a different world?

The first thing I will tell you about Shula is that she is probably one of the most giving and least judgmental people that I know. She teaches her children to be the same way--to look at people from the inside-out, not to judge by appearances, to appreciate what each person has to share with the world no matter how "more" or "less" frum they are, but at the same time to be happy living the way they do and serving Hashem in the way they are being raised. I originally met Shula through going on shabbatons in Lakewood when I was in college; she organizes these special shabbatons for college girls (mostly from Stern, but usually a few from other schools as well) who want to spend a nice, spiritually-oriented Shabbos in a warm environment. It's a project she's been running on an ongoing basis with no financial backing for over ten years now, with no sign of stopping anytime soon! She finds housing and meals, she cooks for up to 30 people at a time, and she doesn't even charge the cost of all the food and supplies she buys for the shabbatons, just a token charge to offset the costs a bit. And this is just what she does for the shabbatons! Shula also works in a Hebrew school for non-religious kids, she gives regular shiurim to local high school girls, and somehow she also manages to hold down a regular job and raise a family in a beautiful, Torah-oriented home.

This, then, is the woman I go to for guidance. Though Shula doesn't live in my world, nor I in hers, I still find that I can relate to her and she can relate to me. She is patient, insightful, and understanding. As I mentioned above, she is very non-judgmental, which helps a lot to put me at ease talking to her. And I know that no matter what I'm discussing, she is looking at the situation from the standpoint of Torah and serving Hashem in the best way we each can, which is the kind of mindset I want to have. Also, one night recently she called me up just to chat, instead of the other way around, and I ended up spending the better part of the conversation instead telling her all of the various joys, frustrations, life events, and stresses going on in my life, talking everything out with her...and at the end of the conversation (well past one in the morning!) she actually thanked me! She said that talking to me was actually a favor to her, since it enabled her to stay awake and clean the house at the same time she was talking to me. So of course, I assured her that if she was ever in need of such favors in the future, she should feel free to call again. ;-) She is truly one of the most special people I know. And I'm so glad that I have someone in my life with whom I really feel comfortable talking and getting advice from in this crazy, crazy world...

Scraps Inside-Out

2007-07-16T11:47:00.000-04:00

I just read a great post by Princess of JustAnotherSternGirl. In it, she tells of an episode of one of her favorite TV shows in which a teacher has her class do the following exercise:

At the beginning of class, their teacher puts five words/phrases on the board: Jock, Prom Queen, Geek, Loner, and Friendly (which here means slut). The students are then asked to describe other members of the class using one of these words. After this short exercise, the class is divided into pairs, and each group is given a digital camera and a set of instructions to follow. At the end of the class period, each student is supposed to take a picture that shows how they see their partner.

Since she didn't get a chance to do this exercise when she was in high school herself, Princess shared her own answers to the instructions they were given and posted them; at the end, she invited anyone else who wants to do the same on their blog. Since I was impressed with the questions/instructions and her answers to them, I thought I'd give it a shot. Happy reading, everyone...

1. Share something personal with your partner.
I've always felt inadequate at pretty much everything I've done in life. I don't think I live up to people's expectations for me, or for that matter, my expectations for myself. It's partly because I was (unfavorably) compared to my siblings for most of my life, and partly because I have a lot of practice at self-criticism and I always feel like I could/should have done better.

2. Lighten up. Do an impression of a celebrity or famous character.
As Princess pointed out, it's hard to do this on a blog, but I'll try:
[crunching long carrot] Eh...what's up, Doc?
Thank you, thank you. I hope you enjoyed my impression of Bugs Bunny.

3. Admit something that worries you or something you're afraid of.
Deep down, I'm afraid that no one really likes me...and what's more, that there's nothing to like. I'm afraid that I'm constantly annoying people and that they're just too nice to tell me. I'm afraid of being too needy, too clingy, and that if I am that people will see how pathetic I really am and they'll hate me. Holy crud I cannot believe I just said that....

4. What do you want to be in ten years?
I want to be happy. Really, truly, consistently happy. (Yes, I know that was your answer, Princess, but who says we can't want them same thing?) The truth is, I've come a long way in the past few years, and I think that overall I'm a happier person than I was before, but in the back of my mind I'm always nervous that it won't last.

5. Tell your partner a secret.
I don't think anyone knows the real me. I'm not even sure if I do. And I'm afraid to find out, because I'm not sure I'll like what I find.

If I could take a picture of myself, it would be a black-and-white photo taken from behind of me standing on a hill staring off into the distance with my hair streaming out behind me. Wistful and hopeful at the same time.

As Princess mentioned, anyone else who would like to do this exercise, please feel free. I'd like to know what people have to say...

PSA: Free Slurpee Day! and other stuff

2007-07-11T10:29:00.000-04:00

Today is a very special day, ladies and gentlemen. Today is 7/11. That means that at (most) Seven-Elevens, they are giving out free Slurpees in special, 7.11 oz cups. Yay for free Slurpees!

In other news, I forgot to mention that yesterday was technically my second blogiversary, even though I first posted in July and only picked up again in December.

Ahem "Hi, my name is Scraps, and I like long walks..."

2007-07-08T17:37:00.000-04:00

...although not on the beach; the sand gets in my shoes and it feels icky. And it's hard to walk in sand anyway.

I've always liked walking. It's a good thing, since I've been walking to shul from a very young age; first, a little more than half a mile each way, from around age 2-3 or so, and later a little over a mile each way starting at age 5-6. I like to go walking for pleasure and exercise, though in allergy season I have to take some sort of medication before I step outside or I'll be sneezing the whole time. I have gone walking in cities and parks, in the country and through little-trod paths in the woods. I earned my "Poco patch" in seventh grade when my class went on a camping/nature trip and I climbed 4 mountains in 3 days. I have walked over one of the longest bridges in NYC several times. One time, I walked almost 11 miles on a Shabbos when I couldn't carry water (although I stopped once along the way).

Most recently, this past Fourth of July, I called up a friend and asked, "Do you want to do the Tip-to-Tip Trip?" And, to my excitement, she agreed that this would be an excellent way to spend our precious day off, walking for hours on end through the city. :) For those not in the know, the Tip-to-Tip Trip is a nickname for walking the entire length of the island of Manhattan, from one end to the other--from 220th Street all the way to the Staten Island Ferry. That's right, walking 14 miles through the city is my idea of a fun way to spend a free day off.

We had a really nice time--the weather was perfect for walking, not too hot and not too cool, overcast and a little rainy at the end, but overall very nice. We made a few stops along the way, for fun and for lunch and when we ran into people that we knew. Pretty much everyone thought that we were crazy for attempting such an activity, but were duly impressed and wished us luck along our way. It was really cool walking through so many neighborhoods in NYC; we saw places we'd never heard of before or knew existed, places we'd heard of but never seen for ourselves, the way Spanish Harlem eventually gave way to regular Harlem gave way to Columbia University gave way to the Upper West Side...etc. It was such a chavayah--a real experience! I would totally do it again. Unfortunately, we didn't take pictures along the way, although we'd meant to originally. I didn't have a camera, and my friend brought hers and took before and after pictures, but she got so caught up in walking that she forgot to take them along the way. Nu, next time... :)

Then, this past Shabbos, I walked about 3 miles each way to visit a friend I hardly ever get to see, and it was totally worth it. The people I was staying by thought I was crazy--they were actually placing bets on whether I'd come back for seudat shlishit, with odds 4-1 against my return (good thing they weren't betting money, or they'd have lost!)--but I had a really nice time visiting and catching up with my friend, so I have no regrets. And I got another 6 miles of walking in; that makes 20 this week. :) Not bad, huh?

So, if anyone knows any nice, normal, single guys who like long walks...send 'em my way!

8 Things meme

2007-07-02T10:14:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged for this meme twice! Thanks Chana and Lvnsm27!

1) Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.
2) The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.
3) At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

~1~ I used to be petrified of the dark. I still get nervous when it's pitch black and I literally can't see my hand an inch away from my face.

~2~ My mother tried to tell me I couldn't get my ears pierced because "Jews don't put holes in their bodies." Then, ever the sharp-eyed child, I pointed out that the rebbetzin of our shul, as well as the local Chabad rebbetzin, had their ears pierced, as did their daughters. My mother relented when I was nine. ;-)

~3~ I hate avocado.

~4~ I have begun writing, and never completed, at least five books (I might be forgetting one or two). I even tried signing up for NaNoWriMo last year as a motivator, but it didn't work, because I didn't have a computer to write on at home, so my writing hours were severely curtailed.

~5~ I love to read, but I have a very low tolerance for authors who go on and on without ever getting to the point. Hence why I have a dislike for 19th-century British authors (many of whom were paid by the word). My favorite genre is fantasy, particularly young-adult fantasy, especially if there is also an element of historical fiction.

~6~ A lot of people think that I'm an extrovert (at least people who know me in real life). This is because I have the ability to make conversation with a brick wall. However, being able to talk a lot does not equal being an extrovert.

~7~ I kill bugs and open jars. If I was just a foot taller, I'd make a great guy. :-P

~8~ My parents always said my younger sister was going to end up taller than me. We're the same height, which I consider a triumph.

Okay, now I'm supposed to tag 8 people, but everyone has already done it, or been tagged by others. So I'll tag okee, sabra, and bella, and hope that at least one of them still reads this blog...

New post...but not here

2007-06-25T13:17:00.000-04:00

I have been honored by Jameel with an invitation to guest post at his blog, The Muqata, as he takes two weeks off to prepare for his son's upcoming bar mitzvah. Thus, I have posted on his blog a post which I call "Where do you call 'home'?"

Happy reading!

Fade: A vision in memories

2007-06-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

Scene:

A girl is walking.
She sees another girl approach from the other direction--
an acquaintance, now, but someone she used to call "friend".
Still, she smiles, hoping for a wave, or maybe a smile in return.
But the other girl walks right past her,
without even a glance.
Her smile fades.

Fade to:

Loud, happy music is playing in the background
as a girl enters the wedding hall.
She sees many people she knows, but no one greets her.
She goes to wish the kallah well,
but she can tell that the bride is more excited to see
the people behind her in line,
so she murmers, "Mazel tov,"
and leaves.

Fade to:

A girl is alone in her darkened room.
Her eyes are red from crying, but she is too tired to cry now.
Exhausted, physically and emotionally spent,
she whispers into the darkness,
"Would anybody miss me?
G-d, why am I even here?"
But there are no answers.

Fade to black.

Disclaimer: These are not recent memories, nor did they happen in chronological order. I simply grouped them together because of the common theme.

Ice cream trips, coffee breaks and more

2007-06-06T12:54:00.000-04:00

I like ice cream. I really, really do. So of course, it's a wonderful thing that there's a 24-hour ice cream store right near my place, and that I have friends who are fellow insomniacs and up for late-night trips. Last night was one such trip, and I got my favorite--Pralines 'n' Cream on a sugar cone--and my friend got a shake. We were walking and talking, and we didn't want to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to talk and finish our ice cream, so we sat down on the stairs of a public building and continued to chat. The conversation was...interesting. A different friend of mine used to say that you didn't need to bother getting her drunk to talk too much about herself; get her when she's tired and she's as good as drunk. I've noticed I'm very similar; it's much easier for me to talk at night than it is during the day. What is it about talking late at night that makes us so much more open?

In other news, this morning there was a Starbucks Iced Coffee Break ( = free Iced Coffee from Starbucks, for those who don't know), which was especially wonderful in light of the fact that I didn't go to sleep until about 2:00 AM (we were talking until about 1:30). As is my habit when such things occur (such as previous Starbucks Coffee Breaks, Dunkin Donuts free iced coffee day, Baskin Robbins 31-cent scoop day, etc.), I told anyone and everyone in the office who I thought would care. I made some people very happy today. :)

I like making people happy. Sometimes too much. I know I can't make everyone happy all the time, but knowing doesn't always keep me from trying anyway. And of course, in the pecking order of who gets made happy, I usually put myself last on the list. Why?

Can you take a compliment?

2007-05-30T16:26:00.000-04:00

I have a hard time taking compliments. I think that the difficulty lies in my basic insecurity; if I don't think I'm that great, how can anyone else think that I am?

For instance, I was IMing with a friend today, and we were shmoozing about life plans. She was telling me about an organization she'll be working for soon, and I mentioned that I thought I'd heard of it before. I'll let the rest of the conversation speak for itself (some details removed):

Friend: lol you know anyone else i would be like no you haven't but you yeah i'm sure you have
Friend: you know everything
Scraps: haha, i wish
Scraps: but i really think i once saw a television special on them
Friend: no i'm sure you did
Scraps: it was either them, or an organization that was very very similar
Friend: i'm just saying you know a heck of a lot
Scraps: lol...thanks
Friend: my pleasure
Scraps: i just have a store of random knowledge, most of it useless
Friend: it's so funny like i'll have ppl be like oh ur smart and in my head i'm like uuh no
Scraps: oh, so you know what i'm thinking
Friend: and then i name ppl in my mind you being one them
Scraps: how did i get on the list of "smart people"?
Friend: oh don't pull that one on me
Scraps: no, i'm really serious (and curious)
Friend: dude i've taken classes with you
Scraps: which ones? the ones i was good at? :-P
Scraps: (must've been)
Friend: lol - i've just heard you speak
Scraps: lol...clearly you were NOT in my schramm class [for those who don't know, Dr. Schramm is notorious for being the hardest public speaking teacher and one of the strictest graders in Stern]
Friend: oh man she's the worst!
Friend: no i didn't say that you were an excellent public speaker
Friend: i said ur really smart

Et cetera, et cetera. Do you see a pattern at all? I can't just say thanks, and let that be the end of it. I have to fight it, question it, doubt it. I would have posted more of the conversation, but we got sidetracked, and I never did get an answer out of my friend that I felt that I could be truly satisfied with. To my mind, if I was that smart, I'd have a better job, I'd be doing more with my life, I'd have gotten better grades...I could go on, but I'm not going to belabor my point.

Really, my point is, whatever I'm being complimented on, I always have a reason in my head to shoot it down. Why? Why can't I just accept praise gracefully; why do I always have to prove the speaker wrong? I noticed this about myself a long time ago, and I've been trying to work on it, so usually now I don't say anything to the other person, but I still think these things in my head (today was an exception; and it's easier to say what I'm really thinking over IM). There was a time when I would fight virtually every time I was complimented, so clearly I'm making some progress, small as it might be. But it still bothers me that I can't take a compliment.

Moving on

2007-05-21T14:46:00.000-04:00

There's a lot of moving on to do around here. No, don't worry, I'm not going the way of so many other Jbloggers and closing my blog--the only way that will happen is if my mother finds it, which she won't, because she barely knows how to use the Internet. :) *bli ayin hara, poo poo poo*

However, it is time to talk about something besides the JIBs--thanks to all who voted for me, I appreciate your support! I didn't win, but truth be told, I hadn't even expected to get to the finals, so even that was an achievement. Maybe I'll have better luck next year. Now, until next year, they are over, and I shall speak of other things.

It's interesting for me to look back at past posts, both on this blog and my little personal poetry corner, Patches of Poetry. Sometimes I was happy, often I wasn't. Now, overall, I think I'm in a different place than I was when I started this blog. At first, I just had a few fans, regular readers, with whom I would have comment-fests back and forth in the comments section, and since we knew each other fairly well, we could add outside insight (if that makes sense?) into our comments. Some I knew in real life, a few not, but we all read each others' blogs religiously and commented on every little thing.

Now, though, most of my early readers have left the blog world either largely or altogether, which is sad, but I find myself now much more a part of the larger J-blogosphere, and I like that. It's not as personal as it was before, but that's partly by design. In part, it's because there are a couple of readers from whom I was deliberately hiding my state of mind for some time, and while most of them either no longer read this blog or no longer comment, I don't necessarily know which of those two is the case, and anyway, it became a habit not to discuss my inner workings so freely. I would rather my identity not be glaringly obvious in case someone I know accidentally happens across my little corner of the Jblog world.

I think another reason why I haven't really gotten into what goes on inside my head so much is because I didn't want to...disappoint people, I guess. I felt like, people have a certain image of me, and I didn't want to alter that image. Sometimes we can change who we are by pretending to be someone else, and I felt that if I didn't post about my negative thoughts and feelings then I could be that other person, the one who is happy and self-confident and generally optimistic.

Now, I'm starting to rethink that. After having encountered some very personally revealing (and sometimes surprising) posts around the J-blogosphere, I'm rethinking my decision to hold back. The likelihood that the people I'd been avoiding are still bothering to read this seems to grow less and less as time passes (and do me a favor--if you think you're one of them, and you're still reading, give me the heads-up). And I'm beginning to realize that people will not look down on me for being who I am. I've been burned before, but maybe the fact that most of us don't actually know each other helps--it's easier to be unjudgmental to an anonymous blogger than with one's friends, sometimes. We shall see.

While this post has somehow turned into something else entirely than what I'd planned to write when I first sat down to write it, I think I'm going to leave it this way. I'll leave whatever else I was going to say for a different day. Have a good one!

JIBs, part III - The Finals

2007-05-10T10:12:00.000-04:00

The Finals have begun! And I actually made it! Woohoo!

Thanks to everyone who voted for me in the first round of voting; I just squeaked into the finals by a tie for third place. If anyone cares to vote for me in the finals (and I have no illusions about winning; there are many posts that I would consider better than mine), you'll find my post, Proud Member of the Tribe, in the Best Religious Jewish Post category.

I have a number of other things I'd like to blog about, and I'd like them to get their proper measure of attention, so I might not sticky this post--honest, my life doesn't revolve around the JIBs. Promise! :)

JIB's are on, part II

2007-05-06T15:02:00.000-04:00

Round 1 voting for Best Blogs is over, but now we're up to the Round 1 that affects me more--Best Posts. I'm up for one, Best Religious Post, Group D--so get out there and vote! However, I will add the caveat that I only wish to solicit votes that are well-deserved, so if you think that someone else's post in my group is best, don't let me stop you from voting for them. Voting will last for a week, until approximately 10 p.m. EDT on May 6th; this post will be stickied until then.

Along with myself, a lot of my friends and blogging acquaintances are up for nominations (I should know, I nominated some of them myself!), amongst them: Irina (The IgNoble Experiment), Ezzie and Pobody's Nerfect of Serandez, Shifra of AskShifra, Jameel @ The Muqata, Chana of Curious Jew and many others! Unfortunately, some of my favorite posts are head-to-head with each other, so it's a hard decision, but someone's gotta come out on top. At any rate, get out there and vote!

http://www.jibawards.com/

The JIB's are on--go vote!

2007-04-29T12:07:00.000-04:00

The 3rd Annual Jewish and Israeli Blog (JIB) Awards are up and running, and first round voting for favorite blogs runs until Sunday, April 29th. I'm not up for any blog awards myself, though I do have a post in the running for Best Religious Jewish Post when they get Best Post awards up. However, some of my favorites are in the running, like Irina, Jameel, and Ezzie. Among many worthy others. :)

So, nu, what are you waiting for? Go vote!

P.S. I think that this is a fitting post for my 50th, though it's sticky, so it'll look like it's a later post if I post anything between now and Sunday.

Emerging from retirement...

2007-04-26T14:44:00.000-04:00

...is my other blog, Patches of Poetry. I have, at long last, overcome my writer's block as concerns my poetry, and I have posted a new poem. Please go check it out and comment!

A Butterfly in NYC

2007-04-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

This morning, on my way to the train, I saw a butterfly that looked like the ones in the picture above.

It was really pretty, and seeing it just made my day a little brighter. It looked so out of place, flitting across the hard concrete sidewalks, not a blade of grass in sight, but it was like having my own little piece of sunshine. I hope that it finds its way to a more nature-friendly place.

A Real Chavayah, or "When Ushpizin Meets Our Pesach Seder"

2007-04-08T13:20:00.000-04:00

This story requires a little bit of background. Some of you may be familiar with the company that sells Dead Sea products in mall kiosks all over the country. The kiosks are manned by (somewhat pushy) Israelis that sell the products (it's just so much more exotic when it's being sold by someone with an accent!). In some locations the kiosks are seasonal, while in others they're in place all year round. They'll usually knock at least $5 off the price of whatever you're looking at (or pretending to look at) if you drop a few words of Hebrew within earshot...which of course means that my mother is a total sucker for their products. Our bathroom is full of Dead Sea this, that, and whatever, little of which will ever actually be used.

Earlier this year, my sister met a former worker from one of these booths who had become a baalat teshuva after being invited for Shabbat meals by members of the local frum community. She knew there was such a kiosk in our local mall out in Montana, because my mother liked to talk about the stuff she bought from them and how she got $5 off for saying "shalom" or something like that. So, of course, sister dear was inspired...why don't we invite "our" Israelis over for Pesach?

I knew that we'd already invited another family for the first seder (we were invited out ourselves for the second), and that said family was, well, very American. Also, Ma and Pa are very American. So, I thought, maybe we could invite the Israelis for Shabbat Chol Hamoed? It might be rather awkward having them for the seder; maybe we wouldn't be able to deliver on their expectations. My sister thought that was an acceptable idea and ran it by my mother, who of course loved it.

Off they trooped to the mall (I wasn't back in Montana yet) and talked to the two Israelis that were there (there are four altogether); I'll call them Shmuel and Brittany. They said that actually, they'd been hoping to get invited somewhere for a seder, but no one had asked them yet. Of course, who would turn them down? They said their compatriots would be flying back to Israel for the chag, so it would just be the two of them. My sister gave them our address and phone number (her Hebrew is a LOT better than Ma's) and told them to be in touch to confirm the details. Shmuel called back not long after; he and Brittany would be happy to come, and could the other two come as well? (I guess their plans changed.) Sure, why not?

So now there are four non-religious Israelis coming to our seder, as well as this very American (though religious) family. Oooookay. Then, my sister calls the cell phone number Shmuel gave her to confirm that everyone's coming, they have our address and directions, etc. This is an approximation of the ensuing conversation (names again are changed), which took place in Hebrew but I'm telling mostly in English because I'm lazy:

Sister: Hi, can I speak to Shmuel?
Israeli guy on other line: Nope, sorry, he's not here right now, this is Esav. Can I help you with something?
Sister: Um, not exactly...this is Chana X, my mother is Mrs. Plonit Almoni. I think we're having you for the seder. How are you?
Esav: Al hakefach! (Israeli/Arabic slang for great) How are you?
Sister: Baruch Hashem.
Esav: Baruch Hashem! Haha! Baruch Hashem!
Sister, to self: Oh dear G-d, we're having a guy named Esav to our seder and he thinks "Baruch Hashem" is something to laugh over...oh boy.

The rest of the conversation was nothing to report on; they ironed out the details and hung up. My sister had fun telling me about her conversation with Esav; we decided we'd be in for an even more interesting evening than we'd thought.

The seder night arrives. Our American guests come. We figured the Israelis would probably come after yom tov was already supposed to start, but then it got a bit late...and later...and later. Finally, we decided to sit down and start, and if they came in the middle, so be it. Of course, as soon as we'd begun to sit, their car pulled into our driveway. Great, at least they didn't miss kiddush. They come in, introduce themselves--Shmuel, Brittany, Esav, and Nurit. They even brought some Dead Sea stuff as a gift; very nice. We gave the guys kippot (white leather, leftover from a family simcha); they sort of eyed them and shrugged, perching them on top of their gelled hair. ("Can't hurt to make the dossim happy, they're having us over, after all.")

We all sit down, pour wine or grape juice for each other as is customary the seder night. Some of the Israelis started drinking theirs before kiddush. We tried to proceed with the seder as normally as possible, trying to make sure that there's not too much Hebrew for the Americans and not too much English for the Israelis. My sister and I wanted to interrupt Maggid to say divrei Torah, but it didn't work out that way--first of all, the Israelis were reading really, really fast in Hebrew, so it was hard to interrupt (I think they wanted to get to Shulchan Orech as soon as possible, whether or not they knew that was the name for that part of the seder--Esav, who, ironically, was the most "with it" religiously, asked at one point, "When do we eat the eggs?") and second of all, we didn't want to take over the seder from our parents, though maybe it would have been better if we did. So the reading flipped back and forth between Hebrew speedreading and archaic English a la Maxwell House, with the English speakers largely lost during the Hebrew reading and the Hebrew speakers largely lost during the English reading. Maggid was finished in record time.

Then, of course, we wash for the matzah. The Israelis go through the motions, some might even have said the bracha, then proceed to sit and chat quietly while the rest of us sit down, not speaking. We didn't want to shush them, per se, but we couldn't really explain why the rest of us weren't talking. We all chomp down on our mammoth-sized shiurim of cardboard--I mean, shmurah matzah--still not talking, while they took more "normal-sized" pieces. Then the maror: We all, Israelis included, goaded Esav (who was Sefardi) into taking real horseradish by telling him it was "charif" (hot/spicy), which I thought was entirely truthful. He switched to romaine lettuce pretty quickly after chomping down. :) We tried to guide them through Korech, the Hillel sandwich, explaining along the way that Hillel invented the first shwarma (lamb from the korban Pesach, lettuce for maror, wrapped up in soft matzah/laffa = shwarma!). Then, finally, "Esav, now we get to eat the eggs!"

They stayed for the meal (goodness knows they'd been waiting for it!), and we tried to make conversation with them and get to know them a little better. Esav was by far the most outgoing and talkative, followed by Shmuel; Nurit was shy, and Brittany hardly said a word the whole time. We asked where they're from, how long they've been in America, what they want to do after they go back, etc. It was, overall, quite the interesting experience. Unfortunately, they excused themselves after the meal, saying that it was late and they had to work the next day.

The most gratifying moments of the night, however, were when Shmuel, who sat next to me at the seder, told my mother and me separately, "You don't know what a big mitzvah you are doing tonight. This is my first real seder. My parents came from Russia, and they are not religious, so I was never at a real religious seder before." He also told my mother that he thought his parents would be happy to hear that he'd gone to a seder. Okay, everyone chorus now: Awwww. :)

Random thoughts

2007-03-30T10:54:00.000-04:00

Partially because I want to make Shaina happy by putting up a new post and partly because I'm bored and a little ADD, I hearby put forth this list of my random thoughts, in no particular order or semblance thereof. Enjoy!

It's a really good thing that I hoard quarters like a dragon hoards treasure. It means that when I need to do four consecutive loads of laundry, I can. ($1.25 per load in washer and load in dryer = $2.50 for both x 4 loads = $10 in quarters!)
Who the heck is this Otis guy whose name is all over the elevators?
So help me G-d, I'm never raising my kids in Brooklyn. (Story possibly to follow, but not elaborating now, sorry.)
If the lunch delivery guy doesn't come today, I'm going to cry (and/or starve).
"Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them" never sounded like such a good idea as it does now.
Thank G-d, Pesach is coming; I need a vacation like nobody's business. And while it's far from a real vacation, for now it's the best I can hope for. Have a chag kasher v'sameach, everyone!

It's A Small World After All...

2007-03-19T10:55:00.000-04:00

[hums to self]

Hmm...what's that you say? You want to know what I'm talking about?

Ooh look, something shiny!

[runs away]

Kedoshim Ti'hiyu?

2007-02-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

The J-blogosphere is abuzz with stories of lack of parental supervision on "yeshiva break", overindulgence in alcohol on Purim and year-round at simchas. There are just too many posts for me to link them all.

I'm sitting here shaking my head.

My personal feeling about drinking on Purim is this: There may or may not be a mitzvah d'rabbanan to imbibe "ad d'lo yada"--whatever that means. (Yes, I am aware of the literal translation of the words, but there are many non-literal interpretations, to which I am referring.) However, there is a definite mitzvah d'oraita of "kedoshim ti'hiyu". They don't have to contradict each other--au contraire, I have seen some individuals who are absolutely bursting with Torah when they get drunk.

Unfortunately, within my experience, that is rarely the case. Most people who get drunk are doing exactly what the Ramban (iirc) says not to do to fulfill the mitzvah of "kedoshim ti'hiyu": They are being "naval bi'rshut haTorah"--acting in a disgusting way with the supposed stamp of approval of the Torah/rabbis. They get sick, they make fools of themselves (and not in a good way), they make a total chillul Hashem--and they do it all in the name of "ad d'lo yada". I've gotten into arguments with individuals who have argued forcefully about the holiness of this "mitzvah"--but my response is, "So they should be oveir a mitzvah d'oraita to fulfill a questionable mitzvah d'rabbanan?!"

However, the mitzvah of "kedoshim ti'hiyu" goes further than that. As Jews, as G-d's chosen people, we are supposed to behave in a way that befits servants of the King. Clearly, this is a mindset that has not been imparted to the hundreds (thousands? I shudder to think...) of teenagers who are part of the yeshiva break scene in Florida. If they truly felt like they had a connection to Hashem, that they were servants of the King and had to behave as such, they would not--could not--behave the way they do.

And it saddens me. Where have we gone so wrong, that so many people--young and old--have lost, or never had, a connection to their King? What do we, as individuals and as a community, have to do to turn things around? Because rest assured, this cannot continue. More and more young people, MO and yeshivish alike, are turning away from Torah Judaism, for so many reasons that I can't list them all. Many (I'd even venture to say most) educators are not educated well enough themselves to handle the precious neshamot that are entrusted to them; in the face of their own lack of knowledge, instead of building up their own emunah and understanding of Torah, they reject questions and nip creative minds in the bud. Individuality is the enemy; it is safer not to question.

But that isn't what Judaism is about. What happened to the Judaism of Pesach, when so much of the Seder night is designed to inspire curiosity in young minds? We grow by asking questions and discovering the answers, and by discovering that a question can have more than one correct answer. What happened to educators who loved to inspire their students to love Hashem and want to serve Him? Am I the only one left who had teachers who wanted me to learn how to ask questions, to think for myself, and let my questions lead me to Hashem?

I don't have the answers to these questions. I wish I did, but if I knew those answers, I could bottle and sell them and make a killing. But I do think that one place to start is to teach the meaning of kedoshim ti'hiyu. Teach children that they have to behave--and not only that, but that they should want to behave--like b'nei and b'not Melech. Because that's what we are.

IE7 is Firefox Wannabe, or How Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

2007-02-16T12:48:00.000-05:00

At work this week, my computer died. It didn't just crash and have to be restarted (although it did that a few times before it died, too). It out-and-out died, never to be revived. So, while I was first waiting for the verdict on my old computer, and then while I knew it was dead but didn't have a new computer yet, I had to relocate, which was mildly annoying and inconvenient, but at least for 3 days I got an office, because the nearest available computer to use was that of a more senior member of staff who went away on business this week. Still, it was annoying that whenever I heard my phone ring, or thought I heard it ring, I had to jump up and run to try to catch the call before it got shunted off to voicemail. And it felt weird to be sitting in an office after so many months in a cubicle (not that I was complaining).

Then, this morning, I came into work and voila! I had a brand-spanking-new little tiny CPU plugged in under my desk! I think my new computer is even more updated than my boss's--shhh, don't tell! ;-) It works much faster, although it took a long time for my account to load, but maybe that's just because it was the first time anyone used it. It has newer technology, more updated programs, the works...which brings me to the topic of the title of this post. You see, on my old computer, I had IE6--we're not allowed to download stuff at work, so I can't get Firefox. It was okay, but there was some stuff I couldn't see on it (like the cute slideshow of Elianna on Ezzie's blog). Today, however, one of my first discoveries about my new computer (aside from the fact that I'm missing a couple of vital programs for work) is that it comes equipped with IE7, which, as I mentioned, is totally Firefox wannabe--tabs, Google toolbar, etc. And now I can see the slideshow. :)

It's been awhile...

2007-01-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

...and so I figured I owe you all a new post. There's been a lot going on in my world; unfortunately, much of it is un-bloggable for various reasons. No, I'm not seriously dating someone (as a friend of mine says she always suspects people of dating when they fall off the face of the earth without warning) and I'm not sick (although I was, for awhile). I'll fill you all in on the past few weeks...okay, month...whatever.

To go in rather backwards order, last night I met Irina! We went out to Makor, about which I'd heard rumors that they were closing, but which we confirmed are absolutely untrue. Their current location is being sold to CUNY, but they are relocating to the area around Houston and Canal, and they're anticipating the move to work strongly in their favor, as the nightlife in the area is much stronger and they'll be able to stay open later than they do now. It was really cool meeting a fellow JBlogger, and we both had a good time. Here's to many more blogger meets! :)

Something else going on in my life right now: Weffriddles. I first heard of them a little over a month ago over on Ezzie's blog, but after getting stuck on Batch 1, Level 4, and finding the forums rather unhelpful, I gave up. Last week, a friend of mine suggested them as a way to alleviate boredom at work (and there's been quite a bit of that, too), but I sort of brushed her off--I thought I'd tried it, and that would be it. Not so. I started doing them again yesterday and I'm hooked. It's a good thing that it's been relatively quiet (bli ayin hara), because otherwise I'd be in biiiiiig trouble for neglecting my work to do these things!

Backlog: Well, as I said before, a lot of it is unbloggable. A lot of frustrating situations which are all too identifiable even if I leave out the details, and so much more. But life goes on, and now things are better, at least for the time being. Baruch Hashem yom yom.

Phew! There ARE nice people after all...

2006-12-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

Just when I'm starting to get really cynical about how rude and obnoxious some Jews can be (see post below), Hashem hits me over the head with something so nice that it can't go unnoticed. I think it's His way of telling me, "Helloooooo. My people are better than that--at least when they try!" And since I spend enough time complaining about how inconsiderate some people in some neighborhoods can be, I decided I should tell this story so I can share how GOOD people can be, too. :)

I was shopping in a kosher supermarket in Brooklyn, shlepping my little rolling suitcase with me because I was going to be going away for Shabbos right after. I wouldn't have normally made this stop, since it was a bit out of my way, but there were a couple of things I really needed to pick up, and it couldn't wait. The store was relatively crowded, what with it being erev Shabbos and all, so I decided not to take a cart and just hold the few things I was buying in my arms. At one point, I left my suitcase in a certain spot so I could dash around the corner and grab a couple things; it was easier to navigate without it rolling along behind me.

A little while later, having found all of the various items that I needed (and a couple I didn't), I was waiting in line...and waiting...and waiting. Even the express checkout had a long, slow line. And then, it hit me...I didn't have my suitcase with me! I dashed out of line, found my suitcase (it didn't surprise me in the least bit to find it exactly where I'd left it), and then did what any normal out-of-towner would do: went to wait my turn again at the back of the line. After all, I'd left the line, and therefore had lost my spot, right?

Wrong! This older Chassidish gentleman in front of me would have none of it! He took one look at me, with my suitcase and my armfull of groceries, and he said, "That's all you have?" I answered in the affirmative. "You're not waiting in the back of this line! You're going right to the front, you shouldn't have to wait for all of us!" Over my vocal protestations that I was in no rush and that I was fine with waiting, he went up to the people who'd been behind me at the front of the line and told them quite firmly that I was going to be coming back to the front. I reluctantly made my way forward, embarrassed as anything and blushing furiously, as he then asked the girl who'd been in front of me in line the entire time if I could go ahead of her. I protested again, since she really had no more to buy than I did, and she'd been waiting in front of me, after all! But she sweetly assured me that it was totally fine, and I should please go ahead.

Through all of this, there were no nasty looks, no annoyed mutterings, no rolling eyes or turning heads. Just friendly nods, assurances that it was indeed fine for me to go to the front of the line, etc. After getting me situated at the very front of the line with my items on the conveyor belt, with me thanking him and the girl behind me (who'd formerly been ahead) profusely, the old man turned around to everyone in line and said, "Everyone's fine with this, right?" And everyone nodded, smiled, and said it was really fine. Then, he turned and went back to his own place in line--at the very back.

I was really impressed and touched--this man had no idea who I was. Neither did anyone else in line. And yet, he went to the trouble of making sure I didn't have to wait again, even though I was prepared to pay that price for getting out of line. But no--he went to bat for me, intervening when I certainly wouldn't have done so for myself, and he wasn't prepared to let me sit back and wait. Not a single person had a problem with me going ahead, including the girl who was in front of me the whole time I was waiting. I walked out of that store with such a good feeling about the Jewish people that night--I phoned my mother and told her what had happened right after, because I wanted to tell her how happy it made me. And now I've told you, too. :)

Proud Member of the Tribe?

2006-12-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

I get so frustrated when I see people who are (or at least look) "frum", but they behave badly in public. For instance, if someone is traveling by public transportation and s/he holds the door for a friend during the morning rush hour, at the same time as the driver/conductor/whatever is specifically requesting that the doors be allowed to close. Now, they may say, "But everyone holds the doors once in a while! What's the big deal?" Maybe they don't realize, or maybe they don't care, but their actions reflect upon the entire Jewish people, and observant Jewish people in particular. Society holds us to a higher standard, and when certain members fail to meet that standard, it reflects badly upon us as a whole.

Still, perhaps such behaviors can be excused as "normal", the same way nearly everyone jaywalks in New York City--it's something that everyone does, and the cops can't even ticket you because it would be impossible to ticket every jaywalker in NYC. What really gets to me is when "frum" people are outright rude, obnoxious, and contemptuous. Being the Am HaNivchar does NOT mean that you are supposed to act like you're G-d's gift to the world; it means that you have a responsibility to behave like a mentch so that the world knows that Jewish people behave well. When I hear people talk about less-religious or non-Jewish people like they're not even human, it sets my blood to boiling--again, being the Am HaNivchar does not mean that you have the right to look down on the rest of the world!

I understand that no one is perfect. I myself am far from perfect. But maybe because I grew up in "Montana", I have a greater awareness that a frum Jew is always on the spot. I have to behave in such a way that people will think, "Oh, so that's how a religious Jew behaves. That's so nice!" instead of the other way around. I try to behave in such a way that will reflect well upon my G-d and my people.

I know I'm not the only one. It makes me happy when I see other Jews making a kiddush Hashem. I also know that I'm not the only one who is bothered by the behavior of others that reflects badly upon us as a whole. I know that there are people who are dedicated to living their lives in such a way that the world will see and think well of the Jewish people. This is why, despite my shame at the behavior of some of our brethren, I am, and will remain, a proud member of the tribe.

P.S. I haven't forgotten about the promised translation of "Abbaleh". I just haven't had the time to sit down with the Hebrew/English dictionary yet.

אבא, אבא'לה

2006-11-08T18:23:00.000-05:00

אבא ארז מזוודה ותרמיל
אבא לקח שני ספרים ומעיל
אבא אמר לי: אשוב לראותך
אמר לי שלום וכמעט שבכה.
אמא אמרה זה הכל יסתדר
אבא יבוא בכול יום לבקר
תלכו לשחק תעשו מלחמות
אך למה עיניה היו אדומות?
אבא, אבא תישאר
אבא, אבא אל תלך
אבא בוא אלי מהר
אבא, אבא'לה.
אבא נשק לי, ליטף את ראשי
יצא מן הדלת בקול חרישי
פתאום הוא חזר לו, כאילו שכח
חיבק אותי שוב בחוזקה והלך.
אינני בוכה אני ילד גדול
אני כבר כאילו מבין את הכל
ורק בכל בוקר כשאני מתעורר
שוכב ומקשיב אולי אבא חוזר.
אבא, אבא תישאר
אבא, אבא אל תלך....
אבא בוא אלי מהר
אבא, אבא'לה.

I love this song, which I was reminded of recently. A good friend of mine and I used to sing it in a duet, with her singing harmony and playing the piano while I sang the melody line. It's a beautiful song, though a sad one, filled with longing. I've heard lots of different theories as to what it's about. What do you think?

No higher compliment

2006-10-26T13:51:00.000-04:00

Recently, I got back in touch with a family where I was basically bat-bayit for a number of years awhile back. We'd lost touch more or less, because of distance and other factors, though I did see them occasionally. I started emailing back and forth with one of the parents not too long ago, though, and in the midst of a mix of catching up and reminiscing, the parent mentioned that they attribute a large measure of how their daughter turned out to my influence. Both in religious observance and in her personality, they consider my presence in their home to have made their daughter into who she is today, though it's been many years since I've spent much time there.

I disagreed to an extent--I'd always tried to be careful not to try to influence their children in any particular direction, because I didn't think it was my place to do so. And there were other influences in the kids' lives that could have pushed them in certain directions as well that certainly had nothing to do with me. Not that it is bad that their daughter is how she is, but I don't deserve full blame/credit/whatever you want to call it.

The parent wrote back to me that whatever I said or didn't say, it was how I behaved that counted the most--so much so, that they think that it's still influencing their daughter so many years down the line. Then the parent wrote what really made me smile from ear to ear:

"And another point: One of our best decisions as parents was to open our home to you at a time when we were all very impressionable. That's one decision we'll never regret!"

I feel like that's one of the highest compliments someone could have given me--that just by being around, I changed their lives for the better. Because, in truth, it was they who were doing me the favor. It just gave me warm fuzzies to hear it, and I wanted to share. :)

Delicious!

2006-10-16T15:22:00.000-04:00

I went back to Montana for the end of the chag--I even brought my new winter boots, but it turned that I didn't need them in the end, b"H. May I just say that my mother makes the best Shabbos/Yom Tov food EVER? It's yummy and filling, but also (mostly) healthy and not heavy. Yay for Ma!

During Chol Hamoed, I went to visit some family friends, and the mom told me that their youngest daughter had just been asking about me the day before I came. When I got to their house, she wouldn't stop hugging me the whole time! And she wanted to sit next to me at dinner! Soooooo yummy. She made a serious dent in my hug backlog, I must say. I have to go visit there more often. ;-)

Then, in my shul on Simchat Torah there were these three little girls, I think they were around kindergarten age, who wouldn't stop dancing for the entire night! They were so happy and energetic and CUTE. One of them would reach out and kiss the sefer Torah whenever she would pass it. I just hope they continue to grow in their love of Torah throughout their lives, holding on to the enthusiasm that they have now.

Moadim l'simcha, and catching up

2006-10-11T01:07:00.000-04:00

First of all--Moadim l'simcha!

Sorry for the lack of updates--between all of the travelling around the yamim tovim and otherwise, pretending to get something done at work, and just generally having a life (imagine that, a blogger having a LIFE!), I've been kind of busy.

Baruch Hashem, I had a very good Yom Kippur (davening-wise, anyway) and a very nice time over the first days of Yom Tov (yay for nice weather on Sukkot!), and so far Chol Hamoed isn't too shabby, either, aside from the fact that I have work. But about 2/3's of the office is out this week, so hardly anything is happening anyway. I've been able to make a bracha of "al netilat lulav" every day so far (bli ayin hara) thanks to Chabad, who are storming the streets with sets of Arba Minim. If I were really good I'd buy my own set. Maybe next year.

Unfortunately, I've also been hitting the mental brick wall of Lack of Inspiration. What do I write about when I have nothing to say? I could spout off on the topics of the day in the news, but that's not really the flavor of this blog, and anyway there are hundreds--nay, thousands--of others doing the very same thing, and probably doing a much better job of it than I could. So why add my voice? I'd rather talk about things when I feel like adding my voice will give a new perspective, or at least illuminate an old one. Not just talk.

Funny, that. In real life sometimes I feel like I talk too much. My friends all know me as the girl who can make conversation with an inanimate object--when I tell people that I run out of things to talk about sometimes, not a few people don't believe me. Granted, I also have my times when I hole myself up in my room and don't come out for hours, regardless of whatever party is going on down the hallway in another room. I'm really an introvert at heart, but I've learned how to be a social person as well, in order to get by in the world. It's odd, really--sometimes I feel like I've learned that lesson all too well, and sometimes I'm never really sure I learned it at all. I think that sometimes I talk and talk because I'm searching for someone who will actually listen.

Hey, what do you know? I found something to talk about! :-P

P. S. Two points to the first person who knows the correct response to "Moadim l'simcha" who's not Israeli!

Gmar chatimah tovah

2006-09-29T13:12:00.000-04:00

Many years ago, I heard a vort on why we say "shanah tovah u'metukah"--a good and sweet year. What's the difference between something that is "good" and something that is "sweet"? Well, there are things in our lives that Hashem causes to happen, and they're for the good because they're His will, but we may have a hard time seeing that, because we are human and our understanding is finite. Things that are sweet are the good things that Hashem bestows upon us that we can clearly understand as being good. Though everything that happens in our lives is from Hashem, we hope that our lives will be full of things that are sweet, so that we can appreciate the goodness that Hashem is giving us.

That said--I'd like to wish all of my friends and readers a gmar chatimah tovah, and a shanah tovah u'metukah!

All about meme

2006-09-20T10:31:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged for this one by Libby. Thanks! :)

1. FIRST NAME?
Scraps
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My Hebrew (Yiddish?) name, yes; my English name is derived from my Hebrew name.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
I almost cried last night; I really cried about a week ago.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes
5. What happened to question #5?
6. KIDS?
I like the good ones. :) None of my own yet, unless you count "my girls" from doing kiruv work.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I think so, but I'm not sure.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Yes, but I don't write in it regularly.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Define "a lot".
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Baruch Hashem.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not if you paid me.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Dry, Golden Crisp/Smacks (they're the same thing from different companies, as far as I'm concerned); with milk, Basic 4.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I don't usually wear shoes with laces, but when I do, not usually.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, relatively so (one friend of mine used to call me her "freakishly strong friend" :-P). Emotionally...well, it depends on how you define "strength", I guess. Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR ICE CREAM?
Pralines 'n' Cream.
16. APPLES OR ORANGES?
Oranges.
17. RED OR PINK?
I guess pink, if I have to choose, but I'm not a major fan of either.
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Classified.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Classified.
20. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE YEAR IN SCHOOL?
Second grade.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Grey skirt, black shoes.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE?
A bagel and an omelette.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The music in my head.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
The one that nobody notices.
25. FAVORITE SMELL?
Fresh-baked challah, or my mother's pizza coming out of the oven.
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My friend who walked back to her apartment late last night and called to tell me she got there safely.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes
29. FAVORITE DRINK?
Milkshake, preferably an exotic fruit flavor (but the real kind, not the nasty fake-tasting kind from a mix).
30. FAVORITE SPORT?
To watch, figure skating. To play, probably soccer, though it's been a while.
31. EYE COLOR?
Hazel
32. HAT SIZE?
Small?
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, baruch Hashem yom yom.
34. FAVORITE FOOD?
My mother's homemade pizza; any of my mother's Shabbos food. :)
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?
Happy endings; scary movies still give me nightmares.
36. What happened to question #36?
37. COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
White with black, light blue, and pink checks.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer
39. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs
40. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Creme brulee.
41. & 42. These questions have gone missing, too...
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Forests of the Heart, Sefer Devarim.
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Doodles from the last person who worked here before me.
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV?
Nothing
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Laughter, music.
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Since I've never listened to anything from the Rolling Stones, I guess the Beatles win.
48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?
Israel.
49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT?
Wiggling my ears.

I tag TRW, Okee, hisbonenus, and kasamba! (I'd tag Irina, too, but she just did the world's longest meme, so I'm not gonna make her do another so soon.)

Forgiveness II

2006-09-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

This post is a sort of follow up to my previous post, Forgiveness. The flip side, if you will.

Have you ever had to ask for mechilah? As in, really ask for it, not just to cover your bases in case there was some minor incident in December that you've both long forgotten anyway? It can be so hard, in so many ways. First of all, in a disagreement, there are usually two sides, and both feel they are in the right. In order to get to the level where one side can forgive the other, someone has to go first--swallow their own hurt, their pride, and humbly come to the other party and say, "I'm sorry, I did you wrong, and I know I hurt you. Please forgive me." Second, even if one side is willing and able to do that, sometimes the other side is still hurting too much to let that pain go, and if they're being honest, they won't just tell the other party that s/he is forgiven when it is not so. Then, the first party has two choices--accept that forgiveness has not been granted, and forget about it; or accept that forgiveness has not been granted, and try again later.

Recently, I had the experience of having to ask for mechilah from someone who was once a good friend. We'd lost contact since the disagreement, and I always felt the loss, so I asked her for mechilah finally many months ago when we chanced to meet. I was struck when I received the first "No" of my life; it stuck in my mind that I had perhaps received the most honest answer I ever had. So I tried again recently, since it is the season...and I got what I called for, b"H. It was the most liberating feeling, to know I had this girl's forgiveness. A huge weight was lifted from me. And it was hard--make no mistake. But it was completely, totally worth it.

Forgiveness

2006-09-10T16:34:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year again--every meeting ends with "K'sivah v'chasimah tovah...oh, are you mochel me?" With most people, it's almost a flippant exchange. "Oh, by the way, are you mochel me?" "Of course I am, are you mochel me?" "Of course!" "Okay great, see ya around, have a k'sivah v'chasimah tovah!" "You too!" Et cetera, in various forms.

But the question is--do we mean it? Is forgiveness really so easy to grant? Sure, when it's someone you hardly see and never have a chance to really wrong or offend, it's a lot easier, because it's much less likely that either of you did anything to each other in the first place. Saying you forgive them--even for that one little thing that happened last December that you already forgot--is not difficult.

The rest of the year, as well, it's fairly easy to rationalize to oneself, "Oh, I have time to make up with so-and-so, it's only Tevet/Nissan/Av/whatever. Things will cool down, and then I'll really ask for forgiveness/be able to forgive him/her." Then Elul comes around, and all of a sudden you're caught unprepared...

What about when the hurt is still there? Can you grant true forgiveness when that part of your heart just won't let go of the pain that someone caused you, even if you intellectually want to forgive that person?

A conversation I couldn't make up...

2006-08-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

On the way home from a simcha last night, I spent some time with a girl I went to school with many years ago. We haven't actively kept in touch, but once in a while we'll run into each other at simchas of former schoolmates. When you get right down to it, she hardly knows me at all anymore--and that's being generous, assuming that she knew me at all in the first place.

At any rate, the following conversation is what transpired. My thoughts precede my responses in italics.

Her: So, do you date?
Me: Sure I do.
Her: No,I mean really date, like go out with a guy more than once. [said in a skeptical tone which implied that she thought the answer would definitely be in the negative]
Ummm...none of your business?
Me: Yes, actually I have.
Her: So why didn't it work out?
What the heck?! NONE OF YOUR DARN BUSINESS!
Me: Stam didn't. Wasn't meant to be, I guess.
Her: Cuz I think you should get married.
WHAT THE....?!?!?!
Me: Oh? Why's that?
Her: Cuz I think you'd be happier if you were married.
WHAT THE...?!?!?!?! #1, you don't even know me anymore [if you ever did in the first place]--what do you know about my state of happiness or lack thereof? #2, did you ever consider that even if you do have a point, you might have it backwards--that if I were happier, I might be married already? #3, why the HECK do you think you have a right to say such rude things about my personal life?!
Me: Oooookay....

Some people just make me want to bang my head against a wall.

Invisibility

2006-08-24T11:00:00.000-04:00

I really thought--or at least hoped--that I'd grown out of that feeling of invisibility when entering a crowded room. I'm a big girl, I can hold my own. Right? Maybe not...

I've been to a lot of simchas this week, b"H, with more to come soon. At the first, I knew several people, and b"H I had a great time. At the second, I knew very few people, but I still b"H had an amazing time. At the third, I knew even fewer people, and I was fine. At the last, I walked into a room full of people that I knew and felt sick and claustrophobic the entire time. Mah pitom?! I literally felt like I was having trouble breathing, and my heart was for sure beating too fast, and I felt dizzy and sick. I know I wasn't having an asthma attack, and I felt like I could breathe again as soon as I left the occasion. I knew at least twenty girls there, perhaps more, and many of them were girls that I hadn't seen in a while and it should have been nice to catch up with them a bit. The girl whose simcha it was is a good friend of mine and it meant a lot to her that I came. So why was I feeling ill and invisible (or was it ill because I was invisible?)?

Sometimes I just don't understand myself...

Meaning well and Doing well

2006-08-07T13:05:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that most (if not all) of us have at some point in our lives been the victim of well-intentioned behavior, and most (if not all) have ourselves acted misguidedly with the best of intentions. But it's a lot easier to see where others went wrong than to admit our own mistakes, isn't it?

Take, for instance, parents, since they're the easiest example. Most people, by the time they reach adulthood, are no longer under the illusion (if they ever were) that their parents are perfect. But a lot of parents I've encountered (and I've encountered quite a few) seem to think that, while they might not have been perfect, they sure made a lot fewer mistakes than average. And, of course, if their children didn't turn out perfect and/or the way they were "supposed to", well, it's certainly not their fault, because after all, "we did our best." But I would disagree with them there, because while they might have meant their best (and I do think that most parents, with a few exceptions, really do mean to act in the best interests of their children) I would say that sometimes having good intentions just isn't enough. Meaning well and doing well are two entirely different things. Someone can mean well and do horribly.

Another thing I see a lot of is people taking credit for the result because the result was their intention, without taking into account all of the other factors which led to it. This one I also see a lot of from parents, who tend to think that if their children turned out well that it must be because of them. However, in my experience and completely unprofessional opinion, a lot of children turn out well in spite of their parents, not because of. (This is usually judged by how much more messed up I would be if I had other people's parents--it makes me appreciate my own.) For instance, my parents take a lot of credit for how the Sibs and I turned out. And while dear Ma and Pa do deserve at least some of it (because like I said, I'm learning to appreciate my parents more), they completely ignore two things: 1) There are a LOT of people/experiences that have strongly influenced who I became as a person over which they had little or no control. 2) A number of the issues with which I still struggle today stem straight back to them and how they raised me. Granted, they're probably next to unaware of #2, because I've worked very hard at keeping them unaware of that, but they should at least be cognizant of #1. It's just funny for me me when I hear my mother tell me how wonderfully well-adjusted I turned out, blah, blah, blah...and I'm thinking, "Wow...she has no idea, does she?"

Still, as someone who has herself also made well-intentioned mistakes (or sometimes, grievous errors), I know how hard it is to admit to oneself, let alone others, that while one's intentions may have been well-placed, one's actions have gone miserably wrong. I think that's how children learn to forgive their parents (at least most of the time)--we know they meant well, and if they messed up anyway...well, at least they meant well. Of course, it's not only parentsI have to forgive, but all the people I know. Because as hurt as I may be (or may have been), if I know that the intentions were good, I have to find it in me to forgive others, because I would want others to forgive me.

Tag--I'm it!

2006-07-27T15:35:00.000-04:00

Haven't done a meme in a while, thanks for the tag, m00ks.

Things I want to do before dying:
get married and have kids
get a job I actually like
do the hike where you walk the length of Israel
write a book (and if I'm even luckier, publish it!)
learn to live fearlessly
have self-esteem for more than five minutes at a time :-P

Things I cannot do:
keep my room clean for more than a day or two (and that's assuming it was clean in the first place!)
blowdry my own hair
argue with people, especially when it's important
ride a bicycle
stay organized
be totally open and honest with other people
keep my mouth shut when I should

Things I can do:
be there for people when I'm needed
dream
read books faster than almost anyone I know, provided that I like them
procrastinate like a pro
be nice even when I don't want to (okay...not all the time, but I try)
open jars and bottles
kill bugs
give good hugs
type 50 wpm

What attracted me to my husband:
I'll get back to this when I have one.

Things I want in a mate:
depth
honesty
humility
a good heart
kindness
acceptance, not judgemental
open mindedness
a funky eclectic fun side, so I know I can just let everything out and be silly when I want to

Things I say most often:
ooooh!
hey kids!
okay G-d, You and I gotta talk
holy _____ (no, it's not a swear word, I just alternate what goes in the blank)
scheisse
now where the heck did I leave my ____?
yay!
chaval

Books that I love:
There are too many to list, so I won't try.

Movies that I love:
A League of Their Own
Finding Nemo
The Power of One
Shrek & Shrek 2
What Dreams May Come

Okay, my turn to tag people... I'm tagging Bella, Libby, and Lvnsm27. Have fun, guys!

Israel, etc.

2006-07-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

So...I haven't exactly been good at keeping this little corner of my world updated. My post from July 14th still stands--we have to daven hard, give Israel good PR whenever and however possible, and I'm still stalking Jameel, Olah Chadasha, and Dave for the news from Israel because the world newsmedia is garbage. Also, if you want to give tzedakah, Jblogosphere has a fairly comprehensive list of organizations collecting donations.

I guess I just haven't been updating because there's not so much I can add--everyone else seems to cover the news (both Israeli and international) and commentary much better than I can, so what do I need to add? Also, since I read so much of other people's work, I don't want to accidentally plagiarize anyone else's words by attempting to opine on the same topics.

Still, I came across this post by Chayyei Sarah today, and it's so grimly funny that I had to link to it. It's her interpretation of a news article about Hizbollah being surprised at Israel's response to the kidnappings and bombings. Enjoy, folks.

Also, chodesh tov...if we say that today. I'm not really sure. May this be the last year that the 9 Days are a time of mourning for the Jewish People.

New post...but not here

2006-07-25T16:15:00.000-04:00

Once again trying my hand at blogging fiction, I have the honor of leading off Elster's newest short story project, Elster's Storytellers. Go check it out. =)

"We need you, we need your tefillah..."

2006-07-14T11:15:00.000-04:00

'Cuz goodness knows we sure could use the Geula right about now.

I saw this on a bumper sticker when I was in Israel many years ago. I think it sums up how I'm feeling right now pretty well:

אבינו מלכנו, היושב במרומים
הצילנו מאויבנו ברחמיך הרבים

Individually or in groups, people are recommended to say the following perakim of Tehillim: 6, 13, 20, 22, 30, 79, 83, 121, 130, 142.

Have a good Shabbos, everyone.

Israel is fighting for its life

2006-07-13T09:51:00.000-04:00

The land, the country I love so much, the place I'd rather be over anyplace else in the world--she is fighting for her life. As Jameel @ The Muqata says in his post of almost the same name (I tried to come up with something else but I couldn't think of anything else that conveyed how I'm feeling right now):

The title of this blog posting, "Israel fights for it's life" is not an exaggeration or my cliche -- it was said at 9:45 this morning on IDF radio, by the IDF Home Front Commanding officer, as Israel currently fights on 4 different fronts; North Gaza, South Gaza, opposite Kibbutz Zar'ir in the North, and the rest of the Northern front.

For the first time in decades, Israel is truly at open war with her neighbors. And now, as she fights for her very existance in a world that is even less sympathetic than ever before, there is one thing we can do:

Daven for Israel's life. Daven for the safety, for the lives, of all who are living there. Daven for the mekomot kedoshim that you'll never see, or never see again, if chas v'shalom she loses. If you are a Zionist or an anti-Zionist or somewhere in between, DAVEN. From this side of the ocean, that's about all we can do.

If you want current news and updates on what's going on in Israel, Jameel is keeping a running update on his blog.

(EDIT: As Jameel rightly added, the other thing we can do on our side of the pond is promote pro-Israel opinions in the news, blogosphere, and anywhere else we can.)

(EDIT 2: I'm also following Olah Chadasha and IsraellyCool for up-to-date news.)

Happy (sort of?) blogaversary to me

2006-07-11T15:33:00.000-04:00

I didn't realize it, but yesterday was my official blogaversary. However, I don't think I'm counting it as my real one because I then didn't post again until December, so I feel like it doesn't count. But happy day to me anyway. :)

Acts of Kindness

2006-07-10T10:58:00.000-04:00

Random acts of kindness brighten your day, whether you are the giver or the recipient. Helping someone shlep their groceries, or carry a stroller or suitcase up or down stairs, holding the door for the person behind you instead of letting it slam in his or her face--they're not hard things to do. They take a few extra seconds--at most, minutes--of one's time. I've done a few lately, and I've been on the receiving end a few times lately; either way, it made me just a little happier that day. "Random" opportunities to do a small chessed for one's fellow human being are Hashem's gift to us, to make us better people and to get ourselves a couple more points Upstairs.

Then there are the acts of kindness that are far from random, that one undertakes with or without full knowledge of what the job will entail, but still chooses to do because it's the right thing. They're usually a lot more time-consuming, a lot more work intensive, and a lot more exhausting--but one becomes a better person for the experience of it, and the recipient is (usually) incredibly grateful that they had someone's help. However, they are meaningless if they are not undertaken with the right attitude; if one has an air of martyrdom or entitlement to thanks/reward, one might not be gaining any benefit at all.

Either way, whether the act you do is small or large, do something for someone today. It will make the world a better place.

Blah

2006-07-05T14:41:00.001-04:00

Isn't it fun when one's already rampant inherent feelings of worthlessness are confirmed?

Blah indeed.

A D'var Torah

2006-07-05T11:11:00.000-04:00

I was at a bris this morning and I heard a really nice d'var Torah, so I wanted to share it. :-)

At a bris, we give the baby the bracha, "K'shem she'nichnas la'brit, kein yikanes l'Torah, l'chuppah, ul'maasim tovim," just like he (the baby) has been brought into the covenant [into the Jewish people], so may he be brought to Torah, marriage, and good deeds.

The Chatam Sofer focuses on the word "k'shem"--just like. Why is that word used?

With Torah learning, there can be outside, ulterior motives to learn--to show off, to gain prestige, to "one-up" the next guy, etc. With marriage, one can marry for exterior things--for money, for fame, for looks, and so on. When doing good deeds, certainly there are many ways that one's motivations can be far from pure--do we do good deeds for the mitzvah, or to make ourselves feel good? Does a gvir give loads of tzedakah for the mitzvah, or so that his name will be put up on the side of a building or in the dinner journal so that all passersby know that he is supporting an institution?

However, when Avraham Avinu gave himself the first brit milah, establishing a connection between himself and his descendants and Hashem for time everlasting, he was completely devoid of ulterior motives. His entire intention was to devote himself to serving Hashem. Thus, we give the baby the bracha that when he comes to Torah, chuppah, and maasim tovim, that he should come just like the way Avraham approached the brit between himself and Hashem--with a pure heart, devoid of ulterior motivations.

Isn't that a nice bracha?

Business and Busy-ness

2006-06-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the severe lack of updates, folks. There's been lots going on in my life, but very little I can blog about. Darn those anonymity demons (as RenReb calls them). I've also written some un-postable poetry, though I managed to put up one post on that blog more recently than here. (Yeah, I know, I need to update that too.)

Thank G-d, a lot of the things that have been keeping me busy are good things. Some are...well, not as good, but life goes on.

Bah

2006-06-15T09:50:00.000-04:00

Did you ever have to deal with people who just can't seem to use the brains G-d, in His infinite kindness, gave them? And of course, you have to be polite and professional and all that jazz; you can't say, "____!!! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!" Oh no. You just have to go over ALL of the paperwork for the umpteen-millionth time and send it out again. Without complaining.

It's funny, because I don't usually get annoyed at people who are slow. But when someone sends in the same requests over and over and over, because he or she somehow didn't get the paperwork the first sixteen times...yeah. I'm a little frustrated, because when I do a job, I want to be done with it. But I'm not in nearly as bad of a mood as I sound.

Thanks for listening, have a great day! :-D

Favoritism

2006-06-12T01:36:00.000-04:00

Favoritism has always been a pet peeve of mine. But perhaps that's just because I've always felt like I was on the short end of it.

It's probably a lot more fun if you're the favorite.

sigh...

Moods frighten, moods brighten...

2006-06-07T11:59:00.000-04:00

Last night, for no apparent reason, I got into a rather nasty mood. Not depressed, not evil...I guess the best word to describe it would be "petulant". It could have been for any number of reasons--the weather was nasty, I didn't have time to pack lunch so I hadn't had anything to eat all day (breakfast is but a dream), I couldn't find a particular book I really needed at the bookstore, and I'd gotten talked into meeting a friend after she got out of work even though I wasn't in the mood to do anything with anyone. It descended upon me without warning, dampening my spirits (it wanted to agree with the weather, I guess) with no sign of good weather.

I felt bad about the way I was acting towards my friend--after all, it wasn't her fault that I was hungry and tired and cranky. I wasn't outright nasty, per se, but I was certainly rather short with her, to the point where she actually asked if there was something wrong. It's not my personality to act that way, even when I'm not happy...or is it? Maybe it's just that I don't get in such moods that often, so I wasn't prepared for it. I don't know.

Still, my friend turned down several offers to split up (I was still on a mad quest for the book, and I was hungry and nauseated at the same time), and stuck out my lousy mood. First, she came along with me while I tried just one more bookstore, and b"H I found what I was looking for in under a minute--literally. So my mood got a little better. Then, we decided to scout out this bagel store she'd heard of to see if they had anything edible for dinner, and when we asked the cashier at the bookstore, it turned out to be right around the corner. The store was cute and modern but still homey-feeling, and they did indeed have good food for dinner, and for a decent price, too. Getting better. Then, it turned out that the older couple sitting next to us were the owners of the place, and my friend is making a sheva brachos sometime soon so she asked about catering. The husband went to go get a catering menu for her, and came back not only with a menu, but with two chocolate-chip cookies. "Here, try these, they're good." YUM! And the chips were still melty....oh, Heaven. I went home a happy camper. Then, I had a chavrusa on the phone with one of the sweetest girls ever--I wish that all Jewish kids loved to learn as much as she does. Great ending to a night that just got better and better.

It's so nice to get out of bad moods and into good ones. :-)

Time of your life...

2006-06-06T11:09:00.000-04:00

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road...
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go..
So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable but in the end its right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still-frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tatooes of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable but in the end its right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable but in the end its right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

(Credits: Green Day)

I've had this running through my head for awhile...just thought I'd share.
חכמה בגוים, תאמין anyone?

The Red Phone

2006-05-25T08:39:00.000-04:00

There's an old joke which goes something like this (there are several variations, so don't call me on the details):

A man went to visit the Pope in Rome. While being shown around the offices, he noticed a red telephone sitting on the Pope's desk next to the regular one.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Oh, that's our direct line to G-d," answered the Pope. "It costs $10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." The man fervently agreed, but he didn't have $10,000 to spend, so they moved on with their tour.

Some time later, the same man went to visit the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. There too, while being shown around the offices, he noticed a red telephone next to the regular phone.

"Let me guess...is that your direct line to G-d?" the man asked.

"Yes, it is, " came the Chief Rabbi's reply.

"How much does it cost a minute?" he asked.

"Oh, I think these days it's about ten cents a minute," the Chief Rabbi calmly replied.
"Only ten cents a minute?!" the man exclaimed. "Why, the Pope has one
of those in his office, but his costs $10,000 a minute!"

The Chief Rabbi smiled and said, "Well, sir, that's because from here it's a local call."

Okay, so ignoring the obvious problems of ascribing even a small amount of theological veracity to the Catholic Church and the fact that no such phone exists, I was wondering: If you had access to that phone, and you could ask just one question and a Bat Kol would come out from Shamayim (or the telephone, at any rate) and tell you the answer--what would you ask? Would you ask anything at all?

Did you ever...

2006-05-17T12:36:00.000-04:00

...have a friend who makes your heart hurt? Or more than one?

Individuals who, no matter how much you love them and would never want to part from them, it's just so hard to be friends with them. For whatever reason--maybe because you worry about him/her, maybe because your relationship is unpredictable and you're constantly wondering if today will be a "good" day or not, maybe just because s/he's not an easy person to be friends with. They're the friends who are raising your blood pressure. They can hurt you so much because you care.

Have you ever had such a friend? Have you ever - knowingly or unknowingly - been one?

Disclaimer: I am stating my question in general terms for a reason. If anyone thinks I'm talking about them specifically, or to them, I'm telling you straight off the bat--you're wrong.

Announcement

2006-05-08T10:37:00.000-04:00

I am very pleased to announce to all my loyal readers that I have been invited to join with the esteemed Tomboy and Elster in their collaborative blog, Travel Mates. (Okay, actually, I invited myself, but they let me join anyway.) It is an ongoing work of fiction, with each of us taking turns at writing the posts. My first post is up now (it's #3 overall, so it's at the top of the page). Happy reading, everyone!

"Friends forever"

2006-05-01T16:40:00.000-04:00

Some friends come and go. Some friends stay, through anything and everything. Some stay for awhile, and then drift away.

What are the hallmarks of a "forever friend"?

A break from our regularly scheduled programming...

2006-04-25T15:56:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged for my first MEME by Jameel of The Muqata (muqata.blogspot.com). Thanks! :)

The MEME of A through Z.
Who is Scraps, the Patchwork Girl? Find about a bit more via this A-Z MEME. Happy reading, folks!

Accent: English--Nondescript. I don't sound like a New Yorker, I don't sound like a hick. Somewhere in between, I suppose. Hebrew--American, unfortunately. A couple of decent Israeli teachers for Ivrit classes have given me the ability to fake the Israeli accent halfway decently, but I can't say much that's complicated or I give myself away.
Booze: Dislike most of it. I've been known to indulge in an occasional glass of Muscato d'Asti, though.
Chore I Hate: Cleaning my room wins hands-down. It looks like it was just hit by a tornado...or worse.
Dogs/Cats: I like them, but I don't have the time or money to invest in a pet. I like other people's pets, though. :-)
Essential Electronics: I WANT A LAPTOP WITH WIRELESS. BADLY.
Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Somewhat partial to several light fragrances from Bath and Body Works (yeah, I know, I'm such a girl). Also, when I was younger I really liked Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden.
Gold/Silver: Depends on the outfit, honestly. I think I'm marginally more partial to silver, but I like to wear gold with things that match it.
Hometown: Originally from "Montana", now elsewhere (thank G-d). But, as always, "libi ba'mizrach..."
Insomnia: I used to think that I was the reigning queen, but I'm since met people who beat me hands-down. I think I've been demoted to Court Jester.
Job Title: Depends whom you ask. Assistant/secretary/paper-shuffler/etc.
Kids: Gotta get married first....
Living Arrangements: Share an apartment with friends.
Most Admired Trait: Ability to understand people
Number of sexual partners: Dude, this MEME was clearly not written with frum people in mind... None, thank you very much. Not that it's any of anyone's business.
Overnight Hospital Stays: I'm pretty sure I've never stayed overnight in a hospital, except when accompanying someone else, bli ayin hara. But I've been admitted for many shorter, daytime stays.
Phobia: Can't think of any. I used to be scared of the dark, does that count?
Quote: "Let's make their heads implode! It will be so much fun to watch!"
Religion: Jewish. Don't put me in a box, though.
Siblings: Yes. Thankfully, none that know that I have a blog, and if I have my way about it, they will remain forever in the dark.
Time I usually wake up: As early as I have to, and/or as late as I can get away with. Usually sometime between 7:00-7:30 AM.
Unusual Talent: Um...I can wiggle my ears?
Vegetable I refuse to eat: Avocado. I can't stand it. Okra is also nasty.
Worst Habit: Toss-up between procrastination and emotional self-torture. Procrastination might lose.
X-Rays: I've had a few, in my time. I even got to keep the ones I got in Israel.
Yummy Foods I make: Spinach-cheese kugel. Yay for milchigs Shabbos!
Zodiac Sign: Classified

I think I'm gonna tag S.J., flor, and sabra. (Sorry, guys, but I'm internet-impaired and can't figure out how to do links.) Thanks again for tagging me, Jameel!

From a distance, there is harmony...

2006-04-24T13:46:00.000-04:00

...and from close up, there is NOT.

Thank G-d Pesach only lasts for a week. If I had to deal with any more family-togetherness, in freaking MONTANA (read: with no viable means of contact with the outside world) for more than two weeks, I'd lose my mind. Very nearly have, but long solitary walks helped keep me somewhat sane.

I don't mind the Sibs so much; we get along pretty well most of the time, though we still know how to push each others' buttons when we want to. Nor, as I have explained, do I have much against Pa. It's mostly Ma, as usual. Ein chadash tachat ha-shemesh. Somehow, when I'm around her, I can never quite do anything right, up to and including keeping my temper in check. I don't generally outright argue, but I'll plead guilty to utilizing unpleasant facial expressions/nonverbal noises and muttering under my breath. I know, I know, not good, and I should be trying not to, kibud av v'em and all that...and I do try. I just don't succeed.

Somehow, I just can't put my finger on what it is about my mother that just gets to me. Partly it's the constant indirect criticism that does it (who wouldn't be driven crazy by that?), but even when she lays off a bit, something about being around her--especially for longer amounts of time--just seriously bothers me. And the fact that I'm seriously bothered by being around my own mother seriously bothers me. What kind of horrible daughter am I, that I can't abide being around my own mother?! So now, of course, aside from being irked by being in my mother's presence, I now have a guilt trip brought on by yours truly about it as well.

Still, it could have been far, far worse. So I'm going to shut up now and just thank G-d that I don't live at home.

Safety net

2006-04-06T11:12:00.000-04:00

Did you ever have that one person that was your "safety net"? The one that, no matter how hard the fall, you knew s/he'd always catch you, and you'd do the same for him/her?

What do you do when your safety net gets pulled out from under you? How do you keep from falling?

Spring Cleaning

2006-03-31T11:08:00.000-05:00

It's finally, finally spring in Anytown, USA. This is the second day in a row that I've gone out without my coat, and hopefully there will be many more to follow. Daylight savings time starts this weekend (groan), so this is the last of the short Fridays in the office. I'm sitting in my lovely cubicle across from my boss' corner office, which is now filled with sunshine and fresh air, while I bask in the glow of the same glaring fluorescent lights that I have all winter and breathe the same recycled air. Only every so often does a slight breeze deign to blow my way. Woohoo--spring has sprung.

It has been a long, long winter. Filled with, short, dark, depressing days, and long, darker, depressing nights. I feel like the past few months have just been interminable gloom, sparsely interspersed with gleams of light--happy days, joyous occasions, etc. But now, even with the coming of spring, with its longer, brighter days and its shorter, less-threatening nights... something is still amiss. Though the days have grown brighter, my moods have not kept up with the weather. It could have something to do with the fact that I've been able to experience so little of the lovely weather firsthand...but I don't think that could be the whole problem.

I feel like someone threw a blanket over my soul a few months ago and forgot to take it off. Or rather, it had something sticky on it and now I can't get it off even though I want to. I watch other people being happy, and I wish that I could join, and sometimes I can even fake it...but there's a part of me that just can't break out of the unhappiness.

My soul needs a really, really good spring cleaning. A break from the drudgery of routine, a scrubbing from all the dirt and grime that clings to it now. A break from people, too--even from my friends. I need to get away and talk to Hashem one-on-One for a long time, without distractions.

Halevai b'karov...

New blog

2006-03-20T11:01:00.000-05:00

I decided to create a new little corner of the 'net where I can unload all my mindjunk that comes out in free verse (I rarely have the patience or the talent for rhyme). I'm just warning you, though, that I am generally not a happy poet.

http://thepatchworkgirlspoetry.blogspot.com <--Patches of Poetry.

Life Unmoderated

2006-03-06T17:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder: what would life be like with no rules? For the sake of this exercise, I'll assume that "mishpatim"--rules that society would come up with on its own to prevent total and utter chaos, such as Do Not Murder--are still in force. But what would my life be like if I didn't own an allegiance to Hashem as one of His people? If I never had to make a bracha to remind me to have an awareness of the Creator of all? If I never had to consider whether a piece of clothing covered all the right places before I bought it? If I never had to check an item in the supermarket or a restaurant's front window for a hechsher? If I never had to think about the impression my public actions were creating, whether or not I gave the world a good impression of religious Jews or a bad one?

As much as it can be frustrating or annoying at times to live my life by all of the rules I'm supposed to follow, at the same time, I can hardly imagine NOT following them. What kind of direction would my life have, if I didn't have anything at all to guide me along the way? I wouldn't have nearly as much self-control as I do now, that's for certain--what would there be stopping me from eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, or making me control my actions in any other area? (I know one thing for sure--if I didn't keep kosher, I'd probably weigh a whole lot more!) In a way, it's actually rather scary to think of my life being completely unregulated.

I'm just sort of rambling; I'm not sure that any of this necessarily makes sense. Just sort of speculating, I guess. What do all of my esteemed readers (assuming that I have any) think?

P.S. The trip to the ranch went okay, thank G-d. Not great, but not terrible either.

Back to the ranch

2006-02-07T14:07:00.000-05:00

I'm going home for a visit soon, for the first time in a while. Part of me is really looking forward to it--I miss my home, and the wide-open spaces, and the grass and trees and fresh air. I miss the friendliness of my home community, where I grew up and spent my formative years. As tiny as it is (there aren't exactly that many Jews in Montana, you know), I really love how all of the families are so welcoming and accepting, of both each other and newcomers. There's a closeness there that I don't feel in a lot of larger communities that I've been in, and I miss it when I'm away.

Still...there are drawbacks. If it was all rosy and perfect, I'd be living there--my parents would surely let me live at home for free, and I wouldn't be wearing myself into the ground working at a job that I thoroughly dislike just to be able to pay for basic necessities. First of all, not only is there nothing to do, there's no one to do nothing WITH. It is far more important to me to have friends around than to have something to do. Even in the biggest of cities there is never anything to do, but at least there are other people around so that you have friends to hang out with and complain together that there's nothing to do. I don't have friends in Montana, I never really had friends in Montana, and even if I wanted to have friends in Montana, there really isn't anyone around to befriend. Even Sibs aren't around for company--they're all away at school, and our schedules rarely coincide such that we can all be home at the same time together.

But really, that's a side issue. I've dealt with boredom before, and if nothing else, I can spend a lot of time on the phone and online. Anyhow, I won't be there for very long, so there probably won't be any time to get bored anyway.

No, really what I'm less excited about is what I'm not-so-excited about every time I go home: The Parents. Or, more specifically, The Mother. Pa and I get along pretty well, and in general I can talk to him about more stuff than I can with my mother. He's pretty easygoing, and he generally understands my various frustrations with Ma. Ma, on the other hand...yeah. Our relationship (or lack thereof) has gone through varying degrees of healthiness and happiness (I repeat, or lack thereof). Sometimes there's a truce, sometimes it's actually pretty decent, and sometimes it's just downright awful. The problem is, I never know from one visit to the next how it's going to be, and I always get this sense of dread before I see them, wondering if it's going to go well, and when I leave I'll still be in one piece emotionally, or if I'll leave and be a total basket case, having lost whatever tenuous grip on happiness and sanity that I had before I came.

Of late, thank G-d, my trips have been fairly infrequent and kept short when they did occur; perhaps, for that reason, they have gone better than they did in the past. I haven't had a really bad trip home in a while, and for that I'm very thankful. But I'm always bothered by this niggling fear that maybe this time will be the time when that all goes down the drain.

Pray for peace

2006-01-26T10:21:00.000-05:00

Am I the only person not surprised that Hamas won the Palestinian elections by a freaking LANDSLIDE? All of the news agencies are making it out to be a big shock or something. It's like...um, DUH. The Palestinian populace has been indoctrinated to support terrorism for the last 40+ years, of course they're going to vote for the party that openly supports terrorism over the party that supports it undercover.

All of these news articles have headlines like, "Hamas Wins Election--Peace Process in Peril" and other such tripe. There has never BEEN a peace process, only a piece process. Fatah supports terrorism just as much as anyone else, they just have to pretend not to so they look more legit. Well, their pretensions have come back to bite them, and maybe--just maybe--it could be that the world will finally concede that Israel can't negotiate with open terrorists whose openly proclaimed goal is to destroy the country.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Happy But Not (Or, Married People Falling Off the Face of the Earth)

2006-01-12T14:45:00.000-05:00

When a close friend of mine gets engaged, I am very happy for her. Truly I am. Especially if it's a friend who is a bit older than me, or more jaded and cynical about the dating world, or both (though they don't necessarily go hand in hand). I'm happy for her because her simcha is my simcha, and I want my friends to be happy.

But yet.

A part of me mourns--just a little--because deep down (or not so deep down) I know the friendship will never be the same. They will sail off into the sunset in a boat trimmed with white lace and "Mazel tov!" posters, never to be heard from again, with the occasional exception of a thank-you note. Never again will she be free just to hang out with me whenever we're in the mood; never again will we be able to gab until indecent hours of the morning about anything and everything, from the most trivial matters to the most serious. There is a barrier there between us now called Marriage (or if you'd prefer, Husband) that will be"H never go away. Granted, I am pursueing the same situation myself, so it's not like I can blame them or anything, but thus is the situation.

So as I call to send my good wishes, sign endless Onlysimchas pages, attend vorts and showers, and dance my feet off at weddings, my simcha--while genuine--is ever so slightly bittersweet.

Is it just me?

Sorry I've been away...

2005-12-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

Life got a bit ridiculous and hectic right when I wanted to start really blogging--go figure, right? I had so much to say, so much that I really needed to get off my chest, and my vehicle for that relief was so cruelly taken away.

Well, now I'm back, and b'ezrat Hashem I'll be posting more regularly now. No promises, though.

I'm torn now about what to do about the "anonymity demons", as RenReb so aptly puts them. On the one hand, I really wish I could share this little piece of me with my friends. On the other hand, sometimes it's best to be anonymous, because that way stuff that I say can't come back to haunt me later. I don't want my mother (or better yet, sometime in the future, mother-in-law) stumbling across this window into my inner mind. Some things are not meant to be shared with everyone.

I'll make this decision at a later date. For now, all names, locations, and other identifying details shall be changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty.

I wish I had more to say right now. I doubt anyone is still reading this at all; after all, I was just on a 5-month hiatus. But you never know...

Just who am I, anyway?

2005-07-10T01:50:00.000-04:00

I'm a twentysomething-year-old girl, living somewhere in a major metropolitan area of the United States. I wish to remain anonymous for the time being, so that's as much information as anyone is going to get out of me for now. If you think you catch me giving away something, I'm probably not.

I come from a hick town a million miles from anywhere. For reference's sake, I will always refer to home as being in Montana, for the simple reason that as far as I know there are few to no religious Jews in Montana (precious few at all, truth be told), so no one can say, "Oh, you're from X?!? I think I know who you are!" You don't. Trust me on this one. In keeping with the spirit of home being a hick town in Montana, my parents will always be Ma and Pa, and siblings will be simply Sib.

Why have I decided to join my voice to the chorus of Jewish blogs on the 'Net? Of late, I have been feeling the need to talk out a lot of my issues--hashkafic, personal, and otherwise--and I figure, what better place to go for advice than the wide world out here? I also want a place that I can use as my personal platform to spout off on issues that concern me, vent about stuff going on in my life, and so on.

Often I feel confused about where I'm holding in life, where I'm going, what I want to be, who I want to be. I feel like I'm made up of so many different places and people and experiences that are all patched together like Scraps in the Oz books. I feel like I fall between the cracks in the cute little labeled "drachim"--Modern Orthodox, yeshivish, etc. I'm not really one or the other, but I feel like I have to pick something to be, or else I'll just be wandering aimlessly for who knows how long. That's also part of the name--"Patchwork Girl" for the crazy, mixed-up, more wild part of me; "Black and White" for, of course, the yeshivish part.

So, that's me for now. I hope that I'll have a lot to say, and that I'll keep everyone entertained, and that maybe I'll inspire people out there to think about things a little differently than they're used to. I'll certainly try. :)

Patchwork Girl in Black and White

Pushy, pushy

Back from the abyss

Snow day!

A week of Walks

Shidduch Musical: The Big Dollhouse, Brooklyn Marriot version

Reflections on a year in the life

Life update, post-birthday edition

Snow + Birkat HaChama = ???

The mark of an out-of-towner?

The advantages of going to a small shul

Gold

Many happy returns

Zzzzzz.....

Still here

Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now

Pride goeth before a fall...

525,600 - 2007 in Review

697

7 Facts Meme

Sunshine and Shadows

Family Matters

Just popping in to say hi

That time of year again...

Turning on a dime

Aseh l'cha rav

Scraps Inside-Out

PSA: Free Slurpee Day! and other stuff

*Ahem* "Hi, my name is Scraps, and I like long walks..."

8 Things meme

New post...but not here

Fade: A vision in memories

Ice cream trips, coffee breaks and more

Can you take a compliment?

Moving on

JIBs, part III - The Finals

JIB's are on, part II

The JIB's are on--go vote!

Emerging from retirement...

A Butterfly in NYC

A Real Chavayah, or "When Ushpizin Meets Our Pesach Seder"

Random thoughts

It's A Small World After All...

Kedoshim Ti'hiyu?

IE7 is Firefox Wannabe, or How Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

It's been awhile...

Phew! There ARE nice people after all...

Proud Member of the Tribe?

אבא, אבא'לה

No higher compliment

Delicious!

Moadim l'simcha, and catching up

Gmar chatimah tovah

All about meme

Forgiveness II

Forgiveness

A conversation I couldn't make up...

Invisibility

Meaning well and Doing well

Tag--I'm it!

Israel, etc.

New post...but not here

"We need you, we need your tefillah..."

Israel is fighting for its life

Happy (sort of?) blogaversary to me

Acts of Kindness

Blah

A D'var Torah

Business and Busy-ness

Bah

Favoritism

Moods frighten, moods brighten...

Time of your life...

The Red Phone

Did you ever...

Announcement

"Friends forever"

A break from our regularly scheduled programming...

From a distance, there is harmony...

Safety net

Ahem "Hi, my name is Scraps, and I like long walks..."