Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
~Robert Frost
This is something I have long been afraid of - that gold, which is so elusive to begin with, and so hard-won, will elude me even when it seems to finally be in my hands. Even when I am happy and fulfilled, there is that slight, nagging worry that is looking to the future when that happiness will be lost or taken away. Some things are just too good to be true.
It's a stupid and self-defeating way to go through life, I know. I try not to. And yet, time and time again, my caution has often proven correct. Sometimes, perhaps, one could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I am aware of the danger of that road. I try to self-correct to guard against that.
Once again, gold is in my hands. Once again, I have reason to believe that it might soon be lost. But I have no way of knowing for sure without making it even more likely that I'm right. So instead I nervously await my fate, hoping that I'm wrong but fearing that I'm right. It's like when I sit at home after a really good date, expecting the phone call from the shadchan telling me the guy isn't interested, except that more is at stake than my pride now.
There is very, very little I can do. Mostly what I can do is carry on as usual, as if I am not expecting anything to change. Act normal, and maybe things will continue to be normal.
I hope.
8 comments:
Wishing you luck at keeping that gold for as long as you can- simply for the hope and serenity that it brings.
((((HUGS))))
Remember that whatever happens.....we're here for you.
And it's all Good. Somehow. You helped show me that...
Keep your chin up, girl. Sometimes things "too good to be true" end up being true. Remember what you told me when I confided my worries about the same thing in my life? Sometimes thing are too good AND true.
Hold on to the hope, dear.
hugs,
c
nmf#7 - thank you.
cp - thank you for reminding me of what I know. We all need such reminders at times (even me :) ). I very much hope that this is good and true. And if it's not, I know you're here.
That sounds like the effect of being disappointed in the past..and being afraid to dare to hope..lest you'll be disappointed again. I really hope that you get what is best for you...and that you see it clearly, whatever happens. I'm thinking of you and hoping things turn out good for you...Nice to hear from you again and hope to hear more from you.
Bestest wishes for success!
Fight for it my girl cus by the sound of it it is something really precious to you. And daven, daven that you should have and be able to enjoy what it is you have for along while yet.
Good to hear from you, even in a time of safek.
:)
May all you wish for and hope for lead you to all the good in the world...
halfshared - not really, this isn't the usual sort of thing I have doubts about (like shidduchim). I hope I get what is best for me, too...
bad4 - thank ye kindly.
BAS - sigh...that's half the trouble, that if I actively fight for it, it will reflect badly on me and half rather the opposite effect than the desired one. But daven I shall.
dreamer - thank you, and amein.
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