...or does it?
All too often, I find myself in unpleasant situations that are entirely preventable. My difficulty is entirely my own doing. And often, all it would take to get out of the situation is to ask for help...which I stubbornly refuse to do. I would rather deal with the unpleasant repercussions of my own poor (or entire lack of) planning, judgment, etc., rather than ask someone to bail me out at the 11th hour.
As you can imagine, this stubborn tendency often lands me in positions I'd rather not be in, like when I spend Shabbos alone in my apartment rather than wrack my brains for people who might be bothered to take me in on Thursday night, and then suffer the embarrassment of calling and begging. Do I like to spend Shabbos alone in my apartment? No, it's lonely and depressing. But somewhere in my crazy logic, it still beats out "imposing" on someone at the last minute. I'd rather clean up my own messes than ask. Because of course, even if someone graciously did agree to adopt me for Shabbos, it would still be an imposition--maybe they said yes because they felt badly, but they really wouldn't have wanted me over; maybe it will strain their budget or they'll have to shop for more food. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'd rather deal with the certainty of my own lack of responsibility than the host of "maybes" that asking would bring.
Another example: transportation. I absolutely hate having to ask people for rides. I hate being dependent on other people to get places. So wherever and whenever possible, I will take buses and subways and whatever other forms of public transportation necessary to get where I need to go. [One exception: Monsey on a Sunday. It's such a royal pain in the neck to get there that I will ask anyone I know who's driving for a ride without shame.] This sometimes leads me to take subways at hours when normal people who are concerned for my welfare and safety would rather I spend $40 on a cab [*snort* - cuz I can afford that?] than take the train. Ask for a ride--are you kidding me? Why should someone else have to drive me all the way home (and it's a trip!) just because I was stupid enough to stay out so late? I made my bed and now I have to lie in it; it's as simple as that.
Recently, when asked to sum me up in a word, someone termed me "independent". Although I acknowledged the truth of this analysis of my personality at the time, since then I have noticed it more and more. And while independence can be a good trait, as you can see, it also has this nasty flip side. My need to be independent holds me back and trips me up, leads me to do things that are not in my best interest [e.g., taking the subway at ungodly hours and spending Shabbos alone], all because I just can't ask someone for a favor. I can't impose.
Now, you might say to me, "But Scraps, you would go out of your way to help someone who needed a favor. You've taken in people on last-minute notice, things like that. So what's the big deal about asking someone else to do the same thing for you?"
You know what the difference is?
I don't think I'm worth it.
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32 comments:
Oh, but you are.
And as someone who loves helping people out, I can tell you - accepting that ride or taking that invitation may very well be what you can do to make that other person's day.
Give and take - they go hand in hand. When you take, you give the other person the opportunity to give to you. That's a gift.
I have this exact same problem. I don't like knowing that other people have to go out of their way to accommodate me. I guess we both have to remember that we are worth it.
Plus, taking the subway late at night unfortunately isn't very safe.
well, you are worth it.\so tough noogies.
:P
acc--true, give and take go hand in hand. And I know that I very often like to be on the giving side, even for things that others might think are an "imposition". I know my logic doesn't make any sense...I just don't make much sense when it comes to myself, I guess. I have a hard time telling when what I'm asking will be a welcome opportunity for the other person to give and when it will be an imposition. (Also, if you are who I think you are, would you care to email me? I miss you.)
sorah--I'm trying to convince myself I'm worth it. It's hard to go against years (a lifetime?) of thinking the opposite, though. As for the subways...shhh!
dreamer--your assertion notwithstanding, I reserve the right to disagree.
Aw c'mon. I don't either like imposing on people, but because I don't like imposing on people.
Even if you're a great guest, it can still feel like imposing. And there are some people you barely know who you're never imposing on.
I hear B4S, but basically that means it comes down to the hosts... not the guest.
You are definately worth it!
I can certainly identify with the independance part. I've done some pretty interesting things - all in the name of independance ; )
B4S--well, if what everyone seems to be telling me is true, you're not imposing. :-P As for being a Shabbos guest, you are correct, but as Ezzie pointed out, that feeling is more predicated on the host than on the guest.
at peace--thanks. It's very sweet of you to say. And at least I'm not the only one who has done silly things in the name of independence. :-P
halfshared--ah, someone who can relate... Well, my wish for both of us is that we can get over our respective hangups about asking for help and learn when to take as well as give!
As much as I've done the "stay home and make your own Shabbos" thing, I still think that it's not an imposition to ask- expecially in your neighborhood.
About the ride thing- As someone who *hates* when you take that train late at night, I WOULD RATHER IF YOU SLEEP OVER!
:)
You're worth it to me...
Take care
:-)
If the other person is stupid enough to think you're not worth it, that's their problem and they've lost out on some amazing company:)Don't let that stop you from asking. There are so many ppl. who are happy to do their friends a favor, and most people will say no if they can't for whatever reason, so you don't end up imposing.
"This sometimes leads me to take subways at hours when normal people who are concerned for my welfare and safety would rather I spend $40 on a cab [*snort* - cuz I can afford that?]"
Don't you mean $6? ;)
pleats--you'd be surprised, I've seen people make the rounds on Friday night and come up with nothing. As for sleeping over--while I appreciate the offer, you're not in much of a position to have much say anymore, dear. :-P
yonina--aww thanks...so are you. ;)
MH--but you see, in my mind, there's still a difference. Even if they don't mind, I can't ask. And who says they're missing out so much? As for the $6, that was in an area where it cost $6...to get to the subway I'd have taken anyway. :-P
Maybe, but you also don't tell me when you're taking the train at 2 am anymore :p
Haven't done it in awhile, as a matter of fact. 1, yes, 2, no. :-P But you're also geographically not in a position to offer, which was what I meant (and I think you knew that).
Yeah, that's what I was responding to. Since I'm no longer one of the people saying 'bye' as you get on the train...
scraps'ala, you are more than worth it, and I am expecting calls from you on thursday nights..
pleats--hehe...well, that's how it goes. Anyway, I'm a little less foolhardy like that than I used to be, haven't arrived home past 2 in awhile.
psyched--if you haven't noticed, the theme here seems to be that everyone else seems to think I'm more worth it than I do. :-P I'll keep the Thursday nights in mind (though it'll be easier when Shabbos starts later).
well then come on over and I'll prove it to you :P
I don't want to see Wicked with anyone but you ;)
Mmmhmm. I'm not so easily convinced. :-P As for Wicked, haven't you seen it twice already? And it's hard to plan such an outing...contingent on winning lotto.
As another who will go out of my way for others but go out of my mind rather than impose on others, I u/stand where u r coming from. But for me more than feeling I don't deserve it I feel that if I ask somebody for a favour then I owe them one and I hate owing anything to anyone (guess independence rearing it's head there). Although I never feel ppl owe me when I do them a favour, I actually don't think twice about it.
Yes, that's a part of it also. But it's mostly that I hate imposing...
Perhaps invite people to you, you say people have invited t/s to you...perhaps extend the invite. Although it means more work for you, but a shabbos alone... :(
The thing is, often by the time I realize that it will mean a Shabbos alone, it's rather late to be collecting guests as well. When I plan to stay in for Shabbos, I like to have guests, and I've been known to pick up an extra or two in the supermarket Friday afternoon. But thanks for the suggestion. :)
That whole self worth thing is tough, isn't it? But then, what I'm coming to realize, is playing independent is really a form of selfishness I guess. I mean, I love helping others, makes me feel good. It's nice having people over, then to not reciprocate, not let others help me and get that good feeling of helping/inviting/dining with someone, it's unfair.
Hard, but there. I know the feeling, especially when it comes to 'inviting' myself to things, or asking for rides and the like.
But you recognize it, that's a step.
Welcome! :)
You definitely have a good point. It's something I'm trying to work on...
I know I don't read often, but I very much know what you mean about that.
There are times I've needed things very badly and refused to ask just because I didn't think I was worth it when everyone else surely was and is.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can learn to ask for what you need, because you seem like a really thoughtful person yourself.
coming from you that really means something to me, thanks.
but maybe not asking what you need causes you to be more thoughtfull about others needs. Its a little twisted actualy.
You're welcome. :)
I think there needs to be a balance. It's not good for a person to be overly self-centered, but at the same time, if you only focus on other people you run the risk of not taking care of yourself. And if you don't take care of yourself, ultimately you won't be able to care for others either.
like perkei avos says... (and unfortunately I don't remember the exact quote.)
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