...or does it?
All too often, I find myself in unpleasant situations that are entirely preventable. My difficulty is entirely my own doing. And often, all it would take to get out of the situation is to ask for help...which I stubbornly refuse to do. I would rather deal with the unpleasant repercussions of my own poor (or entire lack of) planning, judgment, etc., rather than ask someone to bail me out at the 11th hour.
As you can imagine, this stubborn tendency often lands me in positions I'd rather not be in, like when I spend Shabbos alone in my apartment rather than wrack my brains for people who might be bothered to take me in on Thursday night, and then suffer the embarrassment of calling and begging. Do I like to spend Shabbos alone in my apartment? No, it's lonely and depressing. But somewhere in my crazy logic, it still beats out "imposing" on someone at the last minute. I'd rather clean up my own messes than ask. Because of course, even if someone graciously did agree to adopt me for Shabbos, it would still be an imposition--maybe they said yes because they felt badly, but they really wouldn't have wanted me over; maybe it will strain their budget or they'll have to shop for more food. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'd rather deal with the certainty of my own lack of responsibility than the host of "maybes" that asking would bring.
Another example: transportation. I absolutely hate having to ask people for rides. I hate being dependent on other people to get places. So wherever and whenever possible, I will take buses and subways and whatever other forms of public transportation necessary to get where I need to go. [One exception: Monsey on a Sunday. It's such a royal pain in the neck to get there that I will ask anyone I know who's driving for a ride without shame.] This sometimes leads me to take subways at hours when normal people who are concerned for my welfare and safety would rather I spend $40 on a cab [*snort* - cuz I can afford that?] than take the train. Ask for a ride--are you kidding me? Why should someone else have to drive me all the way home (and it's a trip!) just because I was stupid enough to stay out so late? I made my bed and now I have to lie in it; it's as simple as that.
Recently, when asked to sum me up in a word, someone termed me "independent". Although I acknowledged the truth of this analysis of my personality at the time, since then I have noticed it more and more. And while independence can be a good trait, as you can see, it also has this nasty flip side. My need to be independent holds me back and trips me up, leads me to do things that are not in my best interest [e.g., taking the subway at ungodly hours and spending Shabbos alone], all because I just can't ask someone for a favor. I can't impose.
Now, you might say to me, "But Scraps, you would go out of your way to help someone who needed a favor. You've taken in people on last-minute notice, things like that. So what's the big deal about asking someone else to do the same thing for you?"
You know what the difference is?
I don't think I'm worth it.