Disclaimer: This post was written not long ago, but the situation has (unfortunately) come up a few times recently, so I finally decided to go ahead and post it. It is NOT describing any one incident or situation, but a composite of past experiences with present.
Things are going pretty well. Life is hectic and busy, but mostly with good things. Family simchas, friends' simchas, spending time with good friends, going to shiurim, all sorts of good things. There are some frustrations, some stresses--who doesn't have them?--but eventually they're resolved and life goes on. All in all, life is good.
In a matter of minutes, my mood turns from happy and content to miserable and doubting. I start to wonder, did I do the right thing? Was that my place? Should I have said something differently, done something differently? Should I apologize, will they think I'm pathetic or crazy if I do? Am I pathetic or crazy if I do? Surely this is all in my head, but how should I know? Maybe I'm not imagining things, who knows?
Yes, my friends, life is fun when your emotions turn on a dime. The illusion of functionality I've worked so hard on flies right out the window, and I find my eyes filling with remorseful tears over an imagined infraction. It's no one's fault but mine--nothing anyone else did or didn't do caused this mood, and no one can really change it but me. And I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm not making any sense at all, but at the same time, the knowledge doesn't change the sinking feeling in my stomach, the ache in my heart.
And the worst part is, I KNOW that I'm not making sense, but that doesn't help. And all I can do is daven that Hashem straighten out my thoughts, and that I'll feel better in the morning.
Most of the time, I'm not like this...not anymore, anyway. I think that's why these moods take me by surprise. I'm not prepared for them. Not that it's any more fun to deal with them when you are prepared, but it's far more disconcerting when they come out of absolutely nowhere. I get used to being happy most of the time, and when I'm not happy, there being just cause. And no matter how much I try to build myself up in that time, when I'm feeling pretty good and my underlying insecurities aren't acting up too much, somehow I'm always thrown for a loop when this happens.
At least, thank G-d, I did feel better in the morning. But what about next time...?
P.S. I also posted a new poem, which I wrote a few days ago but only worked up the nerve to post now. It's not my best, but I felt like putting it out there anyway.