Disclaimer: This post was written not long ago, but the situation has (unfortunately) come up a few times recently, so I finally decided to go ahead and post it. It is NOT describing any one incident or situation, but a composite of past experiences with present.
Things are going pretty well. Life is hectic and busy, but mostly with good things. Family simchas, friends' simchas, spending time with good friends, going to shiurim, all sorts of good things. There are some frustrations, some stresses--who doesn't have them?--but eventually they're resolved and life goes on. All in all, life is good.
Right?
In a matter of minutes, my mood turns from happy and content to miserable and doubting. I start to wonder, did I do the right thing? Was that my place? Should I have said something differently, done something differently? Should I apologize, will they think I'm pathetic or crazy if I do? Am I pathetic or crazy if I do? Surely this is all in my head, but how should I know? Maybe I'm not imagining things, who knows?
Yes, my friends, life is fun when your emotions turn on a dime. The illusion of functionality I've worked so hard on flies right out the window, and I find my eyes filling with remorseful tears over an imagined infraction. It's no one's fault but mine--nothing anyone else did or didn't do caused this mood, and no one can really change it but me. And I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm not making any sense at all, but at the same time, the knowledge doesn't change the sinking feeling in my stomach, the ache in my heart.
And the worst part is, I KNOW that I'm not making sense, but that doesn't help. And all I can do is daven that Hashem straighten out my thoughts, and that I'll feel better in the morning.
Most of the time, I'm not like this...not anymore, anyway. I think that's why these moods take me by surprise. I'm not prepared for them. Not that it's any more fun to deal with them when you are prepared, but it's far more disconcerting when they come out of absolutely nowhere. I get used to being happy most of the time, and when I'm not happy, there being just cause. And no matter how much I try to build myself up in that time, when I'm feeling pretty good and my underlying insecurities aren't acting up too much, somehow I'm always thrown for a loop when this happens.
At least, thank G-d, I did feel better in the morning. But what about next time...?
P.S. I also posted a new poem, which I wrote a few days ago but only worked up the nerve to post now. It's not my best, but I felt like putting it out there anyway.
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10 comments:
do you think these erratic mood swings could be attributed to hormones?
there are so many things that affect moods. body chemistry, food, lack of sleep - you name it. may G-d bless you to identify your culprit(s) and get it worked out!
p.s. talk to "shula"!
there are probably many factors that are involved but if you try and figure out why your mood changes, then next time you see if you can moderate it.
that being said, it's not easy. happens to me too, on occasion. you learn to deal with it however is best for you i suppose.
Hi!!
I know, i know, it's been a while, but I'm finally back. Anyway, all you wrote really struck a cord with me, and I think it's all normal -especially for girls, and even more especially for thinking, sensitive girls. It also reminds me of one day, very very long ago, when I was about 14, and I complained to an adult about how I just start crying suddenly for no reason, when I'm not particularly depressed. She explained that sometimes (I am definitely qualifying here), sometimes, such crying is the soul crying out and asserting its presence -not in defiance of actual behaviour per se. Well, this might totally not be what you're talking about, and now that I've gone to all the trouble of writing this, I don't think it is, but whatever. There you go.
Good luck:)
Unfortunately I'm guilty of this crime too but what i really feel bad about is that it is usually my nearest and dearest who get the brunt of them and I end up upsetting. :( On the bright side, since i have been putting effort into looking out for those first moments and creating a diversion there has been improvement - so there is hope for everyone ;)
"Most of the time, I'm not like this...not anymore, anyway. I think that's why these moods take me by surprise."
Why do you think you have these moods less often now?
maven--I'm a girl, of course I can! ...but not all month long. And lack of sleep is something I've lived with for so long that I don't think my body notices anymore. :-P I really do hope I get things worked out though, and yes, I have been talking to Shula!
~sarah~--the thing is, when it happens slowly enough, I can change it. I've actually gotten much better at stopping myself when I start hitting a downward thought-spiral than I was in the past. However, in order for me to stop it, I need to have a few minutes' notice! When it hits me from behind, it's too late to stop.
okee--welcome back! Woohoo! I'm running to check your blog next. :) You're right, that you're not talking about what I was talking about here, but you did describe perfectly something I went through Friday afternoon close to Shabbos. Makes a lot of sense the way you put it.
behind a smile--I don't know if I'd call it a "crime" to be unhappy for no reason. If anyone gets the brunt of my moods, it's a couple of my friends, as I don't live at home and I'm not close with my parents (they're about the last people I'd go to in such a mood!).
anonymous--I think because overall I have a somewhat more positive outlook on life than I used to. It could also just be chasdei Hashem, that He decided to give me a bit of a break...
Ten dollars to a dime it's people around you who insinuate that something is not quite as they expected, which suddenly makes you wonder if you pulled a faux pas.
I've gotten to the point where usually I can say "I so don't care" and shrug off the nail-biting "ohmigoshdidIdoitagain" feeling.
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I can usually tell the difference, though, and this time it wasn't.
I think the feelings you express are normal. Many people feel doubt at one point or the other and mood swings for a girl is definitely not unusual. It can get hard when that happens to me because I know I'm acting miserable so I try to steer clear of people and hope that I'll wake up feeling better tomorrow.
Although when I'm feeling down I often feel like I shouldn't "inflict" my presence on others, I sometimes find that being around people is the best thing for me, because I have to pretend to be fine. And sometimes by pretending, I actually end up being fine for real.
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