In Pirkei Avot 1:6 it says, "Aseh l'cha rav, u'kneh l'cha chaver, v'hevei dan et kol ha-adam l'chaf zechut." Now I don't know about all my readers out there, but most of the time I hear this mishna quoted, it's because the speaker is trying to get to the end, about being dan l'chaf zechut. Usually there are one or two sentences devoted to the first two things on the list and the rest of the drasha/d'var Torah goes on to tell us how we need to devote our efforts to judging others favorably. All well and good--judging others favorably is definitely an important middah and mindset to cultivate. But I'm finding that in this crazy, mixed-up world, so many people are trying to muddle through on their own, without any real guidance other than the occasional chat with friends. Whatever happened to "Aseh l'cha rav"?
Do you have a rav, rebbetzin, or someone else you go to for hadracha? To ask shailas, or to ask advice on life and all the craziness it entails? Just to chat with, to make sure your life is headed in the direction you want it to be going? If you do, how did you find him or her, and if not, why do you think you don't have one?
For halachic questions, I usually still go to the rabbi of the shul I grew up in; in matters of practical observance, I know that he's fairly close to where I'm holding, and I'm comfortable approaching him. However, for hadracha and to just generally speak my mind and get good advice, I talk to a woman I know in Lakewood--I'll call her Shula Schwartz. And Shula Schwartz, for all intents and purposes, is my rebbetzin.
Now, how did this happen, you ask? How did I, Scraps, a RW-MO (though I hate labels, that's the closest to fitting) single girl living on my own, end up with a mentor who's a rebbetzin living in Lakewood with a kollel husband and three kids? And how in the world does Shula have any way to relate to me and my life when she lives in such a different world?
The first thing I will tell you about Shula is that she is probably one of the most giving and least judgmental people that I know. She teaches her children to be the same way--to look at people from the inside-out, not to judge by appearances, to appreciate what each person has to share with the world no matter how "more" or "less" frum they are, but at the same time to be happy living the way they do and serving Hashem in the way they are being raised. I originally met Shula through going on shabbatons in Lakewood when I was in college; she organizes these special shabbatons for college girls (mostly from Stern, but usually a few from other schools as well) who want to spend a nice, spiritually-oriented Shabbos in a warm environment. It's a project she's been running on an ongoing basis with no financial backing for over ten years now, with no sign of stopping anytime soon! She finds housing and meals, she cooks for up to 30 people at a time, and she doesn't even charge the cost of all the food and supplies she buys for the shabbatons, just a token charge to offset the costs a bit. And this is just what she does for the shabbatons! Shula also works in a Hebrew school for non-religious kids, she gives regular shiurim to local high school girls, and somehow she also manages to hold down a regular job and raise a family in a beautiful, Torah-oriented home.
This, then, is the woman I go to for guidance. Though Shula doesn't live in my world, nor I in hers, I still find that I can relate to her and she can relate to me. She is patient, insightful, and understanding. As I mentioned above, she is very non-judgmental, which helps a lot to put me at ease talking to her. And I know that no matter what I'm discussing, she is looking at the situation from the standpoint of Torah and serving Hashem in the best way we each can, which is the kind of mindset I want to have. Also, one night recently she called me up just to chat, instead of the other way around, and I ended up spending the better part of the conversation instead telling her all of the various joys, frustrations, life events, and stresses going on in my life, talking everything out with her...and at the end of the conversation (well past one in the morning!) she actually thanked me! She said that talking to me was actually a favor to her, since it enabled her to stay awake and clean the house at the same time she was talking to me. So of course, I assured her that if she was ever in need of such favors in the future, she should feel free to call again. ;-) She is truly one of the most special people I know. And I'm so glad that I have someone in my life with whom I really feel comfortable talking and getting advice from in this crazy, crazy world...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
31 comments:
So nice that you have someone who you can really open up to and receive guidance from...that's really wonderful.
I find that my problem is often that I am too shy to open up to rebbeim/rebbetzins. I feel almost presumptuous taking my problems to them, asking for their time. I know this isn't healthy, but I have yet to learn to get over it...
I'm so glad you have someone to talk to. I have, sort of, a mentor in Israel but the phone calls I made to her were mainly when I was single, and weren't more than a few times a year. She's an incredible person, who taught me in Seminary and is an amazing mix of down-to-earth but reightous, kind but stern when needed, and always made me feel like my questions and comments were welcome.
I miss speaking to her but with the time differnece and knowing how busy she is (I think 10 kids?) I feel bad bothering her. I wish that be and my husband had someone local who we both trusted, I think this would definitely help us both.
Reading this post made me feel so happy that there are such giving, caring women in our community. I'm so glad you've found this treasure. Friends have saved my life more than once, and wisdom and guidance are priceless.
That's a great, great post and good reminder.
Lucky you. What an important resource to have in life. I *wish* I had someone like this. Sadly, I have not been able to work up the courage to develop such a relationship, even though there are women I deeply admire and would love to go to for advice when I need it.
How did you manage to take the relationship to something more than a casual acquaintance?
sj--It truly is such a bracha. For awhile, I also didn't have someone to really go to with things, I just sort of talked stuff out with friends and tried to muddle through. She's not a big famous rebbetzin or anything...honestly, when you go back to Stern, keep an eye out for Lakewood Shabbaton posters. They're worth going to just for the experience, and you'll see, she's so approachable.
LTL--it's so much harder when the person is in E"Y. For awhile, I used to talk to my sem principal's wife, and she was fantastic, but the time difference made it really hard to stay in touch. And of course, she also has an ever-growing family. One of the best things about Shula is that the best time to talk to her is late at night. ;-) It's such a mechaya to have someone to talk to again...I wish you and your husband lots of hatzlacha finding someone you both admire and respect who can fill the void.
ayelet--B"H. I consider myself so fortunate for having this person to go to and rely on for support and guidance. I'm glad you've found support when it's been needed, too.
ezzie--thanks!
apple--honestly, Hashem just dumped the opportunity in my lap. I always went on the Shabbatons, but when I was just starting senior year, Shula called me up to see if I'd be willing to be the contact person in Stern that year since the previous girl had graduated. I'd always been too shy to really have so much to do with her before, but when I stepped into that position, I ended up building a much stronger, closer relationship with her. Really, like I told SJ, it's totally worth going on a Shabbaton, she's such a special person and even if you're not the "Lakewood type" (I never was!) you'll still have a great, amazing, spiritual Shabbos. There'll probably be one a week or two before Rosh Hashana, keep your eye pealed when you get back to Stern!
Whew...
So after reading such a wonderful post, and thinking, "Wow, I wish I had somebody like Shula to talk to,"...now what?
I always knew I wanted and needed someone to talk to, someone greater than a freind, with more life experience than my peers and a greater wisdom of human nature and of hashkafa, but the problem always was...where can I find her?
And even if I find someone, it's really hard--as the apple commented--to make a kesher with them. Who says she'd want a kesher with me? And how do I know she's not too busy for me? And how in the world do I start? Do I just come over to her and say, "Let's talk?" It sounds funny, but I'd have no idea, no clue in the world, what to say...
So although I'd love to forge a kesher with a mentor, I really don't know how to go about doing it...
Any advice...?
miriam--well, like I said to the apple, this was a real matanah from Hashem for me; for awhile, I too was drifting, knowing that I wanted someone like Shula but not quite sure how to find her. Sometimes you just have to keep your eye out for opportunities and then grasp them when they come along. Are there any shiurim you go to, any women you look up to? I've found that the people who make the best mentors are usually very approachable, very giving people, not the sort who are "bothered" by giving of their time to others. You could start by approaching her privately at the end of an event (shiur, shabbaton, class, etc.) and say, "If you have the time, I'd really like to talk to you privately about something. Do you think we could schedule a time to talk?" The worst she can say is, "I'm really busy now, can it wait a few days or a week?" It may be scary the first time, but it gets easier. The first time I confided in someone in such a position (not Shula, someone in sem) I was petrified; I literally had to be dragged by my madricha. But it does get easier, and when the relationship develops, it's incredible. Hatzlacha rabba finding your person!
Another thing, though, is that I've tried speaking to people, whether it was to teachers in high school or seminary, or to older role-model-figures after sem, and besides for one individual who I think would love to help but is severely lacking in time and energy, I've never been able to get my thoughts out to anyone else. There are many people out there, but I think part of the problem is that I have a hard time talking, whether it is mundane conversation or chit-chat, and especially the deep, emotional stuff that so desperately wants to make itself heard...
So I guess I just need to keep working on myself to learn how to communicate better, although I haven't the foggiest where to begin...
That's really rough. I also haven't had the easiest time finding someone I'm comfortable talking to; it took me years to find Shula! And I still don't talk to her about everything. But when I do discuss things with her, I find that her advice and insight is invaluable. I tend to go to her more about life situations, challenges I'm facing, etc, rather that about emotional things. I know how hard it is to want to share all of those deep-down thoughts and feelings, though, and not being able to. It's not fun to be all bottled up...pent-up feelings have a tendency to need an outlet, and it's a choice between exploding and imploding. I'm an imploder, most of the time...so it's good for me to have another outlet.
Again, I wish you a lot of hatzlacha finding someone you're comfortable with. And if you ever just need to vent to someone anonymously, my ears are open. I posted my email in the comments section a few posts back (the post "Moving On").
i have my rav, and a mentor, and some really awesome friends and siblings, baruch hashem.
and when i date, i make sure the guy has a rav.
It's true scraps that it's much harder to keep in touch with someone in Israel.
Dreamer, I hope your chasson has a Rebbe, but you can't 'make sure' he does. I always thought my husband would and in the end he didn't but I still love him dearly despite this. Sometimes guys have a harder time making a connection and/or keeping it.
that's so nice.
it's hard to find people that you can talk to properly. glad that you both are benefitting from it!
dreamer--good for you! You're very fortunate to have so many wonderful people in your life.
ltl--a good point; I'll have to keep that in mind.
~sarah~--thanks, I'm glad too! :)
thanks for sharing. yep we all need someone to talk to
Thats amazing..
Lookibng around blogworld..I find that some people dont get it..because Judaism..and her beauty is soo tied in with Mesora...the giving over..
You cant give that over in words and text books..it has to be experienced..
Which is why we sometimes feel sooooo good ..almost giddy..when in the presence of a true Tzaddik or someone special..
We just see it..feel it..
lvnsm27--you're welcome. Thanks for linking me on KH!
david--absolutely, I totally agree. To have a living, breathing example of someone who lives a real Torah-oriented lifestyle is so much more powerful than what you can get from books. I wish more people had that.
halfshared--that really is a very sad situation! My seminary was quite the opposite; they strongly encouraged girls to create connections to teachers, to talk to them, go to them for Shabbos, etc. Some of the busier/more popular teachers even had time scheduled especially just to meet with girls who wanted to talk to them, and you could go to someone in school to make an appointment with those teachers. All my teachers knew me by name. It happens to be that I don't know my mentor from seminary, but a lot of my friends have maintained relationships with teachers we had in sem, even though it's many years later.
Lucky are those that do. But if you don't be true to yourself and trust that a little voice inside you. There are also excellent tapes and books that are full of inspiration on every topic. Make the most of them, sorry but you can't ask them questions.
Books and tapes can be a great source of inspiration and knowledge, but for personal advice about one's own situation, there's no replacement for a rav or other mentor. And unfortunately, some people's inner voices get rather confused at times. But one gets by, if one must...
wow Scraps, you found a rare gem of a Rebbetzin.
Welcome! And yes, I know. B"H, I am very fortunate.
LOVED THIS POST.
comment or email to follow
in my world (lubavitch) we call this person our mashpia. the rebbe encouraged each person to have one.
my mashpia in crown heights was a woman i learned chassidus with, we made a soul connection and it just evolved. my mashpia here (whom i recently found, baruch hashem) is someone on a high level of frumkeit. i'd ask for her hashpa'a from time to time, until it turned into a regular thing. she has the time and the heart for me. i'm grateful.
it's a wonderful thing to have such a person - l'chaim to all the shula schwartz's!
p.s. i found your blog via ayelet, and i am now bookmarking you.
towik--I'm glad you liked it! Further comments, via blog or email, are always welcome. :)
maven--welcome! I recognize your avatar from Ayelet's comments section. :) "Mashpia" is a good word for Shula, that's really exactly what she is. I'm so lucky I have her. I'm glad you have one, too!
It's funny, but I've always heard plenty of emphasis on the first. But I could never do it. To me, teachers are kind of on the other side, and 5 years out of high school I still haven't gotten over my reservations. And then I figure that I should be able to figure things out on my own. Also, there's the imbalance of the relationship: what does a rebbetzin get out of talking to me? I'd rather open up to someone whose position I can understand.
I hear what you're saying; I also had a hard time opening up to teachers in school and sem. Or rather, I simply had no inclination to do so. The great thing about Shula is that she's not a rebbetzin-y rebbetzin (otherwise, how could I call her by her first name?!). Also, the big difference in our relationship is that I chose her--no one forced me to sit in her class/shiur, no one told me I had to go talk to her.
You've found the Holy Grail, scraps. You are one lucky chica.
I'd give ad chatzi hamalchus for someone like that...but I haven't even reached Camelot yet.
Having someone to advise,encourage, or even just listen is precious indeed.
Oh, don't I know it. And it's nice that sometimes, if she hasn't heard from me in awhile, Shula will call me instead of waiting for me to call her. Baruch Hashem yom yom...
Some bits and pieces... I was once a Stern girl and was invited to a lovely Lubavitcher family in Crown Heights for Shabbos. I understand perfectly well some of your hesitance, because I felt I really had found my niche and wanted to open up to the woman, but found it so difficult. I sat on her back steps (between the basement, where we'd slept and her apartment for about an hour thinking about how I could say something, till she finally "happened to" open the door and we spoke. Now, many years later, and from the other side -- double digit kids, teaching, and community responsibilities -- we're here for you -- please approach us -- we are never too busy for you! Another point. Someone wisely mentioned that when she dates she finds out if the guy has a rav. That is SO important! Take a look at the many couples r"l who are getting divorced. More often than not, at least one of them does not have a rav/mashpia to whom s/he opens up. Everyone needs someone to speak to and for advice -- ONE person whom you respect, not all your friends, who may give you conflicting advice. Push yourself to try to approach someone -- it's truly a lifesaver and a sanity saver.
Thanks for commenting! A lot of my friends in Stern enjoyed the Chabad Club Shabbatons in Crown Heights. To each her own. :)
I'm really glad for you that you found your mashpia and your niche.
Post a Comment