Scene:
A girl is walking.
She sees another girl approach from the other direction--
an acquaintance, now, but someone she used to call "friend".
Still, she smiles, hoping for a wave, or maybe a smile in return.
But the other girl walks right past her,
without even a glance.
Her smile fades.
Fade to:
Loud, happy music is playing in the background
as a girl enters the wedding hall.
She sees many people she knows, but no one greets her.
She goes to wish the kallah well,
but she can tell that the bride is more excited to see
the people behind her in line,
so she murmers, "Mazel tov,"
and leaves.
Fade to:
A girl is alone in her darkened room.
Her eyes are red from crying, but she is too tired to cry now.
Exhausted, physically and emotionally spent,
she whispers into the darkness,
"Would anybody miss me?
G-d, why am I even here?"
But there are no answers.
Fade to black.
Disclaimer: These are not recent memories, nor did they happen in chronological order. I simply grouped them together because of the common theme.
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23 comments:
:(
ouch.
the sad thing is, it's much more common than those in the midst of it may think...
may we all have the strength of heart and the courage to be ourselves, to love ourselves, and to know our worth independant of others.
ezzie--yeah, I think so too...
dreamer--AMEIN.
I've been through that.. The sad thing is, I haven't even BEEN to any weddings since I was 13 (!), so I don't even now whether I'd get any reaction at all. The one thing I found that works to battle this kind of mood is develop interests that are so completely "yours" that no matter what anyone thinks of you, you still have something to look forward to, and other people's opinions don't matter as much.
Very eloquently phrased, Scraps.
Sometimes in those situations I find it easier to strike up conversation with someone I don't know and usually wouldn't talk to i.e. and old lady, at all then to try to get someone's attention that I've known for years. It's a shame that people behave that way to one another.
I know what that kind of loneliness feels like. It's hard when it would take so little effort on their part to make us feel recognized, and they still can't bother.
irina--it doesn't have to be a wedding; any type of occasion, crowded room and all that, will pretty much fit the bill. It's funny, there's a certain hobby of mine that I haven't really bothered much with in awhile, but I tend to spend a lot of time on when I'm feeling particularly bad. I wonder if it was a subconscious effort to make myself feel better.
raggedymom--thanks
come running--sometimes I'll do that too, like when I was at my friend's sheva brachot and I didn't have anyone to talk to so I started talking with the middle-aged yenta ladies from her shul. :) I'm actually pretty good at talking to random strangers when I try.
ayelet--precisely. It's like, hi, I exist, does anyone care?
I've been in some of these places before. It's very, very tough.
We're rooting for you.
apple--thanks, I'm rooting for me, too. :)
Sad, that is a horrible feeling, if only ppl were more sensitive...
awww. i sympathise. it's tough :(
sw/fm--indeed, a little sensitivity would go a long way, wouldn't it? The world could be a much less lonely place if people would just pay a little more attention to the other people around them, the ones on the sidelines who seem to vanish when you look at them from the right angle.
~sarah~--thanks, and welcome. Baruch Hashem, at least these are less recent memories. The ache is still there, a little, but it has lessened over time, and through building myself up.
i think we have all been there at some time of our life, yet we need to remember how awful it felt, and think about others who are in such situations and help them, with a smile, a greeting, it's so simple and easy to change some ones day around from the worst to the better, yet not a lot people take the effort to do it
nuch a chossid--so true. It's easy to feel the pain when you're the one being ignored, but it's not always as easy to notice the people on the sidelines...
Scraps, dear. Reading your beautifully expressed words is so very painful. It is sad that people choose to zoom their lenses and focus on the action in the middle of a circle and allow everything on the sidelines to become a fuzzy blur. I find that some of the most interesting and special people are the ones not in the heart of the crowd, and quite a few of my most meaningful relationships come from getting to know the "people on the sidelines."
And for the record, I care that you exist. Very very much.
Shaina, I know you care. Thanks. :)
I don't even want to be the person always in the middle (at least not until my own wedding!), I just don't like to feel like I'm invisible, you know?
Just discovered your blog, don't know you but want to send you a hug so here goes {{{hug}}}. I know you might be feeling different know so if you don't need it know you can keep it for a time you do. ;) and remember if Hashem put you on this world, at least He wants you to stay (however painful). Wishing you much simcha very soon.
anon123--thanks, and welcome! B"H I don't need the hugs right now, but I will certainly keep them in reserve for when I do. :) And I know that Hashem put me here for a reason; I'm in a much better state of mind most of the time these days than I was when this memory was from.
I keep revisiting this page because all these memories are ME right now.
At least I'm not the only one suffering. Small consolation, though.
Loneliness is the worst.
Esther--welcome to you, too. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now; you're right, loneliness is the absolute worst. The truth is, I still have my times when I feel invisible, but b"H they're not as frequent as they once were. But you're not alone--as you can probably tell, a lot of people have had similar experiences and can relate to how you're feeling. It isn't much to hold onto, but at least it's something...
wow, that's tough. I relate, though. Thank you for sharing that, Scraps.
It seems that a lot of people can relate. I guess that's one of the nice things about sharing these things...it reminds me that I'm not the only one...
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