I have a hard time taking compliments. I think that the difficulty lies in my basic insecurity; if I don't think I'm that great, how can anyone else think that I am?
For instance, I was IMing with a friend today, and we were shmoozing about life plans. She was telling me about an organization she'll be working for soon, and I mentioned that I thought I'd heard of it before. I'll let the rest of the conversation speak for itself (some details removed):
Friend: lol you know anyone else i would be like no you haven't but you yeah i'm sure you have
Friend: you know everything
Scraps: haha, i wish
Scraps: but i really think i once saw a television special on them
Friend: no i'm sure you did
Scraps: it was either them, or an organization that was very very similar
Friend: i'm just saying you know a heck of a lot
Scraps: lol...thanks
Friend: my pleasure
Scraps: i just have a store of random knowledge, most of it useless
Friend: it's so funny like i'll have ppl be like oh ur smart and in my head i'm like uuh no
Scraps: oh, so you know what i'm thinking
Friend: and then i name ppl in my mind you being one them
Scraps: how did i get on the list of "smart people"?
Friend: oh don't pull that one on me
Scraps: no, i'm really serious (and curious)
Friend: dude i've taken classes with you
Scraps: which ones? the ones i was good at? :-P
Scraps: (must've been)
Friend: lol - i've just heard you speak
Scraps: lol...clearly you were NOT in my schramm class [for those who don't know, Dr. Schramm is notorious for being the hardest public speaking teacher and one of the strictest graders in Stern]
Friend: oh man she's the worst!
Friend: no i didn't say that you were an excellent public speaker
Friend: i said ur really smart
Et cetera, et cetera. Do you see a pattern at all? I can't just say thanks, and let that be the end of it. I have to fight it, question it, doubt it. I would have posted more of the conversation, but we got sidetracked, and I never did get an answer out of my friend that I felt that I could be truly satisfied with. To my mind, if I was that smart, I'd have a better job, I'd be doing more with my life, I'd have gotten better grades...I could go on, but I'm not going to belabor my point.
Really, my point is, whatever I'm being complimented on, I always have a reason in my head to shoot it down. Why? Why can't I just accept praise gracefully; why do I always have to prove the speaker wrong? I noticed this about myself a long time ago, and I've been trying to work on it, so usually now I don't say anything to the other person, but I still think these things in my head (today was an exception; and it's easier to say what I'm really thinking over IM). There was a time when I would fight virtually every time I was complimented, so clearly I'm making some progress, small as it might be. But it still bothers me that I can't take a compliment.
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9 comments:
For many years, I wondered why, if I was so smart, I couldn't get married, or find a career. Then I fell bass-ackwards into two grad schools, and at this grad school, my fellow students are falling over themselves to tell me how smart I am. I'm starting to learn how to smile and say thanks.
Oh, I definitely related. It's something I've worked on for a few years, but I still find it hard to accept compliments which I don't feel I deserve, maybe because I just can't allow myself to believe in myself.
One thing that has helped me a lot is to look at it from the other person's perspective: When you're looking at another person, and you work hard to find the words to legitimately express how you view that person, you can't wait to share with him/her how special that person is. Then the words are out, and bam! - they're thrown back at you and rejected. Doesn't feel too good.
And that's what makes me say thank you. Because I want to be able to sometimes reverse roles and give a compliment back.
Also, if you like the one giving you the complimenter, then you must somewhat respect his/her opinions and taste. And if this person says he/she likes something about you, then you gotta place some value to those words!
Wow, sorry for the megillah.
Honestly, I'm the same way. I've never been good with compliments, or talking about myself. I have gotten better at the latter (I needed to for interviews, for evaluations, etc.), but the former? Eh.
was just talking about this with a case study of mine...
i think that we feel like we need to be givers, we don't like taking, and if we say thank you, then we're "taking" a compliment. what we don't realize is that through saying thank you, we're giving appreciation to the complimentor...
you're not along in this, that's for sure. i'm still working on this...
I understand sometimes I find myself doing the same thing.
ayelet--I'm glad that your current fellow students recognize the greatness in their midst. :)
shaina--"I still find it hard to accept compliments which I don't feel I deserve, maybe because I just can't allow myself to believe in myself." Right, that's exactly my problem. I don't feel like I'm so good, so giving, so smart, so unselfish--so what is everyone else seeing in me that I don't see in myself? Or rather, what aren't they seeing? I know I'm not that good, unselfish, etc. But it's true--it's not nice to throw a compliment back, which is why I try to just smile and say thank you most of the time now, even if inside I'm still thinking, "Yeah, right." And you can write megillahs whenever you want. :)
ezzie--I am absolutely terrible at talking about myself. It feels so icky to sit and tell an interviewer how very wonderful I am, when I am not at all certain that I'm that great!
dreamer--that could play a part in the psychology of it. It definitely makes sense. I've heard the idea that I should learn to accept compliments gracefully because I'm giving the other person an opportunity to say nice things to/about me. :) And I know I'm not alone...clearly the responses on this post alone would show that.
sw/fm--join the club. :)
scraps, ur awesome at not accepting compliments gracefully ;)
Hmmm...now how am I supposed to react to that? :-P
heehee
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