Spring Cleaning

It's finally, finally spring in Anytown, USA. This is the second day in a row that I've gone out without my coat, and hopefully there will be many more to follow. Daylight savings time starts this weekend (groan), so this is the last of the short Fridays in the office. I'm sitting in my lovely cubicle across from my boss' corner office, which is now filled with sunshine and fresh air, while I bask in the glow of the same glaring fluorescent lights that I have all winter and breathe the same recycled air. Only every so often does a slight breeze deign to blow my way. Woohoo--spring has sprung.

It has been a long, long winter. Filled with, short, dark, depressing days, and long, darker, depressing nights. I feel like the past few months have just been interminable gloom, sparsely interspersed with gleams of light--happy days, joyous occasions, etc. But now, even with the coming of spring, with its longer, brighter days and its shorter, less-threatening nights... something is still amiss. Though the days have grown brighter, my moods have not kept up with the weather. It could have something to do with the fact that I've been able to experience so little of the lovely weather firsthand...but I don't think that could be the whole problem.

I feel like someone threw a blanket over my soul a few months ago and forgot to take it off. Or rather, it had something sticky on it and now I can't get it off even though I want to. I watch other people being happy, and I wish that I could join, and sometimes I can even fake it...but there's a part of me that just can't break out of the unhappiness.

My soul needs a really, really good spring cleaning. A break from the drudgery of routine, a scrubbing from all the dirt and grime that clings to it now. A break from people, too--even from my friends. I need to get away and talk to Hashem one-on-One for a long time, without distractions.

Halevai b'karov...

New blog

I decided to create a new little corner of the 'net where I can unload all my mindjunk that comes out in free verse (I rarely have the patience or the talent for rhyme). I'm just warning you, though, that I am generally not a happy poet.

http://thepatchworkgirlspoetry.blogspot.com <--Patches of Poetry.

Life Unmoderated

Sometimes I wonder: what would life be like with no rules? For the sake of this exercise, I'll assume that "mishpatim"--rules that society would come up with on its own to prevent total and utter chaos, such as Do Not Murder--are still in force. But what would my life be like if I didn't own an allegiance to Hashem as one of His people? If I never had to make a bracha to remind me to have an awareness of the Creator of all? If I never had to consider whether a piece of clothing covered all the right places before I bought it? If I never had to check an item in the supermarket or a restaurant's front window for a hechsher? If I never had to think about the impression my public actions were creating, whether or not I gave the world a good impression of religious Jews or a bad one?

As much as it can be frustrating or annoying at times to live my life by all of the rules I'm supposed to follow, at the same time, I can hardly imagine NOT following them. What kind of direction would my life have, if I didn't have anything at all to guide me along the way? I wouldn't have nearly as much self-control as I do now, that's for certain--what would there be stopping me from eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, or making me control my actions in any other area? (I know one thing for sure--if I didn't keep kosher, I'd probably weigh a whole lot more!) In a way, it's actually rather scary to think of my life being completely unregulated.

I'm just sort of rambling; I'm not sure that any of this necessarily makes sense. Just sort of speculating, I guess. What do all of my esteemed readers (assuming that I have any) think?

P.S. The trip to the ranch went okay, thank G-d. Not great, but not terrible either.