It's that time of year again--every meeting ends with "K'sivah v'chasimah tovah...oh, are you mochel me?" With most people, it's almost a flippant exchange. "Oh, by the way, are you mochel me?" "Of course I am, are you mochel me?" "Of course!" "Okay great, see ya around, have a k'sivah v'chasimah tovah!" "You too!" Et cetera, in various forms.
But the question is--do we mean it? Is forgiveness really so easy to grant? Sure, when it's someone you hardly see and never have a chance to really wrong or offend, it's a lot easier, because it's much less likely that either of you did anything to each other in the first place. Saying you forgive them--even for that one little thing that happened last December that you already forgot--is not difficult.
The rest of the year, as well, it's fairly easy to rationalize to oneself, "Oh, I have time to make up with so-and-so, it's only Tevet/Nissan/Av/whatever. Things will cool down, and then I'll really ask for forgiveness/be able to forgive him/her." Then Elul comes around, and all of a sudden you're caught unprepared...
What about when the hurt is still there? Can you grant true forgiveness when that part of your heart just won't let go of the pain that someone caused you, even if you intellectually want to forgive that person?
Sunday, September 10, 2006
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14 comments:
Grudges are the hardest things in the world to give up. It is the hardest thing to negate our ego. But it is that submission that not only brings us closer to our fellow man but to our Creator as well.
I think it really does take a long time to forgive a very serious wound. However, what you CAN do is a) try not to dwell on it, b) think of the good things about the person you're angry at, and 3) at least, through action, if not through thought, try to be polite and nice to that person, so even if you don't "forget and forgive" you at least show that you're trying to move on in whatever way you can.
sometimes it takes a few years for the huge hurts to dissipate. even then the residue lingers..which you try to purge every rosh hashanah..not easy as much as it's the 'right thing.'
here's hoping all ours are easier to forgive to this year on..
kasamba--is it a grudge, really, when the hurt is ongoing? Not everyone is so able to completely negate their ego to the point where they feel no insult at all.
irina--good recommendations, all.
flor--ain't that the truth. The problem is telling the truth when someone asks...and amein.
True, but thats why it requires constant work.
Difficult people who cause you ongoing pain requires you to either seek advice on how to deal with them (Especially if they are passive-aggressive) or drum up some sympathy that they are so challenged as to be so challenging!!!
It is very hard good post.
kasamba--I'm trying, I'm really trying...but they are also trying...my patience.
sw/fm--thanks.
I know sweetie- I battle every day...
Just remember that your feelings begin with a thought. And you can change your thoughts if you really want to... have a change of heart and let it go. It will make you a happier person. Then you can decide if you want to give the other person another chance. And if you dont thats fine. Its not so hard to do if you really want to. Just dont fool yourself into thinking you really want to if you really dont want to and are just saying it because its the thing to do at this time of year....
Indeed, you have a good point, frumgirl. However, there are some people who have had more than one "second chance".
To me, there's nothing worse for a relationship than to pretend that things are ok when they're not. Tossing around "I forgive you"s like they're free is a big mistake.
True, we keep pushing off the moment when we have to actually deal with the past, and with hurt that still lingers. Now's the time when it all comes back to remind us that problems don't go away. But instead of pushing it off for next year, why not take advantage of the mood that's been created by this time of the year. I think it's a bit easier now to finally resolve all of that unfinished business.
And hey, all we can do is try. If we truly want to find the room in our heart to forgive, hopefully Hashem will ease the process.
To me, there's nothing worse for a relationship than to pretend that things are ok when they're not.
Having unfortunately made that mistake, I would have to agree. Although there are times when, by dint of pretending things are fine, they eventually do become better.
The difficulty is when bringing up the subject will cause renewed pain/bad feelings/etc.
well the way I see it, and I have been there before, you can really change the way you feel about someone by thinking of them differently. Like forgive them in your head even if you don't feel it in your heart. It might sound like your fooling yourself, but I see it as a conscious decision to try to redirect your negative feelings about someone.
That helps, if your head is up to the point of wanting to forgive. If not...well, then it doesn't. But you're right--it's sort of like "mitoch shelo lishma, bah lishma".
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