I'm sure that most (if not all) of us have at some point in our lives been the victim of well-intentioned behavior, and most (if not all) have ourselves acted misguidedly with the best of intentions. But it's a lot easier to see where others went wrong than to admit our own mistakes, isn't it?
Take, for instance, parents, since they're the easiest example. Most people, by the time they reach adulthood, are no longer under the illusion (if they ever were) that their parents are perfect. But a lot of parents I've encountered (and I've encountered quite a few) seem to think that, while they might not have been perfect, they sure made a lot fewer mistakes than average. And, of course, if their children didn't turn out perfect and/or the way they were "supposed to", well, it's certainly not their fault, because after all, "we did our best." But I would disagree with them there, because while they might have meant their best (and I do think that most parents, with a few exceptions, really do mean to act in the best interests of their children) I would say that sometimes having good intentions just isn't enough. Meaning well and doing well are two entirely different things. Someone can mean well and do horribly.
Another thing I see a lot of is people taking credit for the result because the result was their intention, without taking into account all of the other factors which led to it. This one I also see a lot of from parents, who tend to think that if their children turned out well that it must be because of them. However, in my experience and completely unprofessional opinion, a lot of children turn out well in spite of their parents, not because of. (This is usually judged by how much more messed up I would be if I had other people's parents--it makes me appreciate my own.) For instance, my parents take a lot of credit for how the Sibs and I turned out. And while dear Ma and Pa do deserve at least some of it (because like I said, I'm learning to appreciate my parents more), they completely ignore two things: 1) There are a LOT of people/experiences that have strongly influenced who I became as a person over which they had little or no control. 2) A number of the issues with which I still struggle today stem straight back to them and how they raised me. Granted, they're probably next to unaware of #2, because I've worked very hard at keeping them unaware of that, but they should at least be cognizant of #1. It's just funny for me me when I hear my mother tell me how wonderfully well-adjusted I turned out, blah, blah, blah...and I'm thinking, "Wow...she has no idea, does she?"
Still, as someone who has herself also made well-intentioned mistakes (or sometimes, grievous errors), I know how hard it is to admit to oneself, let alone others, that while one's intentions may have been well-placed, one's actions have gone miserably wrong. I think that's how children learn to forgive their parents (at least most of the time)--we know they meant well, and if they messed up anyway...well, at least they meant well. Of course, it's not only parentsI have to forgive, but all the people I know. Because as hurt as I may be (or may have been), if I know that the intentions were good, I have to find it in me to forgive others, because I would want others to forgive me.
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16 comments:
I know this is only tangential, but the :in spite of" vs. "because of" issue has come up a lot recently... cute that you used the phrases.
Wowee, this post hit home in so many ways. I've had many of the same questions/issues plaguing me for years now, and it's such a relief to see this put into words by someone else, as I could never express it so well.
It's so hard to forgive someone who honestly doesn't feel he/she did anything wrong.
And while this has given me much grief for years, I've lately started asking myself: Why is it so easy for me to expect others to tolerate my errors, and to just accept the fact that I "meant well"?
libby--wow, we must be twins. :-P
hisbonenus--first of all, welcome back! I think that people usually expect others to give them the benefit of the doubt for their good intentions because they KNOW what their intentions were, whereas when it comes to others' actions we only have their word (at best) that their intentions were good, and as the saying goes, sometimes "actions speak louder than words."
im the oldest in my family and one of the most amazing things i experienced was when my little sister went thru something similar to what i had at her age and my parents reacted correctly this time.. and not only that but my dad actually admitted they had messed up in the way they had handled it with me. it was like the past few years of regrets just flew out the window the minute i heard that..
but ure right, as you get older you really do learn to forgive and appreciate them much more.. because you realize whats its like to be an adult.. and we're not so sure we'll do any better
It's funny that you mention that, m00ks. One of the things that riles me the most is when my parents make the same mistake in dealing with a Sib as they did with me. Kinda like the mirror image of what happened with you. :-P
Yup happens to me alot, good post.
well said...i wholeheartedly agree. my parents have made many mistakes and i am who i am in spite of what others told me to be, but their mistakes helped me choose my own path. even though i do not agree with many of my parents decisions, most of them turned out ok and helped me reach where i am today. it certainly helped that i learned to fight for what i believe in and what i want.
as an oldest child, my parents made the most mistakes with me, but they have gotten a little better with time. even though my parents and i were never extremely close and i do not bare my heart to them i am learning to accept the bad with the good and appreciate them for who they are; to see beneath their words and actions to their intentions which in their minds are for the best.
sw/fm--thanks. I wish it didn't happen to you so much, but I'm glad you enjoyed the post.
bella--you're learning valuable life skills. Halevai vaiter.
You know, it's funny--so many people are relating to the parental element of this post, but really I just used parents as examples because they're the easiest to pick on...um, I mean, pick out. Also because that way I know no one will misread what I'm saying to be personal (hopefully). But I didn't mean to be speaking only about parents.
I think that people usually expect others to give them the benefit of the doubt for their good intentions because they KNOW what their intentions were, whereas when it comes to others' actions we only have their word
Good point, though I don't think we are always so honest with ourselves about how "good" our intentions really are.
True enough. But people will often believe their own lies.
I guess parents are so easy to pick on/out because for better or for worse they have such a large hand in what we become and how we grow up. They are a constant in so much of our lives as other relationships change, and we therefore learn so much about relationships from them.
Good point, eli7. Even if it means learning how NOT to behave, we learn from our parents.
oish, it took me song long to get here, but I'm so glad I finally I made it! I saw your comment and had to return the hug!!
((hugs))
and, greeeeaaaattt post! So thought out, and such a lesson to remember. It made me realize that I should really take a second look at my own "good intentions" and how they turn into actions that affect others. When we're in the position to affect another, it is a great and grave responsibility -not one to be taken lightly, and one easily taken in the wrong direction. How many times have I hurt where I "meant" to help? How many times have I not helped, when I could have? Scary thoughts. It reminds me of "megalg'lin zechus al yeday zakai..." that we succeed in doing something, like a mitzvah, only when we deserve to. Because it is such a hard thing to do -to mean to do right, and know how to do right, and go about it right, and then have it done right.
good night:)
Great post.
If I hear one more time 'It’s what we thought was best for you', from either parent I won't be responsible for my actions.
I'm inclined to believe parents try to act in their children's best interest, only their own interests cloud their judgements.
I've experienced it and I see it.
If one truly has good intention than they usually ask for a third party's opinion.
okee--welcome, and good points. :) I didn't want to invoke it in my original post, but I'm sure you've heard the saying, "The road to h-ll is paved with good intentions." Scary when you think about it, isn't it?
pragmatician--lol! I could understand that being a very frustrating thing to hear (I've heard it too many times myself...). True, I think that most parents do have their children's best interests at heart even if their actions end up being fairly messed up, but I've met a few exceptions. They scare the heck out of me.
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